Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

The Saint/Priest/Nun/Rabbi
This is the child who expresses the family's spirituality and is
expected to become a priest, a nun, a rabbi or a monk, and not to be
sexual. Often the expectation is never a spoken one. It is implied,
and subtly reinforced and encouraged. This child is unconsciously

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molded into believing that he or she will only have worth if they
act out the spirituality for the family. And if they don't, they will
have little or no worth.
There are many other dysfunctional roles that we can identify, and
many of us "cycle-through" different roles as we grow up in our
families. A Lost Child can also be a Scapegoat. A Mascot can
become a Hero later on.
People often ask us, "But aren't these roles present in a healthy
family, too?" Our answer is always "No!" What does exist in a
healthy family is different personality types. Sure, one person may
be

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shy while another robust and gregarious. Recent research suggests
strongly that this is due to genetic differences between family
members.
But does being shy mean being isolated and alone? Isn't there a
way for a healthy family to provide all of those needs for a shy
child? Of course there is. A shy child can still feel loved and feel
like he belongs. He can certainly have a sense of acceptance and
worth. He can make mistakes without being abused for them. He
can be a separate person without being lonely. He can be spiritual.
He can have fun. Don't shy people have fun?
What makes these roles dysfunctional is the very fact that they are
roles. Healthy families don't pigeon-hole us into one tiny script. If a
"shy person" (as Garrison Keillor of Minnesota Public Radio fame
calls them) gets "loud" now and then, who's going to shame her for
it? Who's going to say, "Hey, kiddo, your role is to be shy and
quiet. So shut up and be quiet so you don't upset the mobile."
Would a healthy family do that to a shy child? Not on your life!
Only a dysfunctional family would do that.
Boundaries
We are talking about psychological and social boundaries here,
although in principle they are the same as the physical boundaries
around one's property, city, state or country. For our purposes, we
will look at three types of boundaries:
1. Individual boundaries
2. Intergenerational boundaries
3. Family boundaries

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Within each type, we can have three boundary states:
1. Rigid boundaries (too strong)
2. Diffuse boundaries (too weak)
3. Flexible boundaries (healthy)
Each individual human being should have a clearly-defined
boundary around himself/herself, which is like a psychological

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Figure 6.1. 
Individual Boundaries
fence around us, defined by us. This individual boundary lets
certain things into our lives and keeps certain things out of our
lives.
When someone asks me to help them paint their house on Saturday,
and I decide that I want to use Saturday for rest and relaxation, I
am setting a boundary for myself. When they continue to ask, and
then resort to guilt and manipulation, they are trying to violate the
boundary that I set. They are trying to invade my boundary. This
would be an individual boundary invasion.
Likewise, if someone tried to make love to me when I said I didn't
want to, this would be an individual boundary invasion.
If my boundaries are too weak, I will always let anyone do to, or
with me, what they wish. I can never say no. If I do this long
enough, I will develop serious emotional problems; and eventually
I will swing to the opposite extreme and set up completely rigid
boundaries, in which nothing gets in to me and nothing gets out
from me to other people. I become an emotional hermit living on an
island totally alone. No one can invade my boundaries now, but
then who cares? There is no one in my life at all.
After months or years of subtle boundary invasions by a friend or

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lover, I might scream in desperation, "No, you selfish, manipulative
s.o.b., I won't help you paint your house this Saturday or any
Saturday, for that matter. In fact, I don't want your friendship
anymore and I don't want you coming near my house again!"
This rigid boundary will protect me for a while, but the cost will be
too great. Eventually I will become so lonely and isolated that I
will allow the swing to the opposite extreme to occur when I least
expect it. I will jump at the chance to help someone again someday
out of sheer loneliness, with the hope of making a new friend, but

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with my own growth stifled, that person is likely to use me until I
blow up again.
In dysfunctional families, we swing back and forth, back and forth,
between rigid and diffuse boundary states, hoping to find some
kind of balance. The only true balance, though, happens when we
are in the middle of this swing, when we have flexible boundaries.
With flexible boundaries, we might say, "You know, I'd love to help
you sometime but this has really been a tough week for me. I'm
going to have to decline."
It sounds so simple. But it isn't. How many times have you put
someone else's needs before your own, only to reach the burnout
point soon after that? How many times have you come up with a
good excuse for why you don't have to take care of yourself first?
"Yes, I'm exhausted, but after all, he is my best friend." Well, if he
truly is your best friend, he'll understand and respect you for setting
your own limits.
It is our belief that the underlying reason that we can't set these
healthy limits is that we are desperately afraid that we will be