Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

abandoned if we say "No". Fear of abandonment is the primary
dynamic beneath most dependent and addictive behavior, in our
estimation, and how we get this way has a lot to do with the other
two types of boundaries we spoke of.
Intergenerational boundaries are those invisible lines between the
parents or other adults in the family, and the children in the family.
Figure 6.2. 
Intergenerational Boundaries

---

If our parents have difficulty expressing feelings towards us, if they
don't know how to show love, if their own individual boundaries
are too rigid, then this intergenerational boundary will be too rigid
also. We will always feel alone as children. Our parents will never
be "there" for us, either physically or emotionally or both. They
will

---

Page 60
never play with us. They won't empathize with us. They won't
seem to care. It will feel like they are distant and detached from us.
It will feel cold and empty in our families. In some families these
intergenerational boundaries will remain rigid most of the time. In
others, they will swing to the opposite extreme at times. In still
others, they will be in the opposite extreme most of the time, i.e.,
there will be weak intergenerational boundaries.
With weak intergenerational boundaries, the line between adults
and children is very unclear. This is very common in dysfunctional
families and is most blatant where incest occurs. When adults have
sex with children, the children's individual boundaries are certainly
violated, but so is the boundary between adults and children.
Whenever we put our children in an adult role, we are crossing this
boundary.
Emotional incest is more common than actual physical incest. With
emotinal incest, we make our children into "little spouses" for us.
We lean on them for support. We share our deepest problems with
them. We may call them "Mommy's Little Man" or "Daddy's Little
Girl". We ask them to fill emotional needs in us that we can't get
met on our own. The very thing that they, as children, need from
us, we ask them to give to us. Sound crazy? It not only is, but it
makes for very sick little children, too.
We see this kind of intergenerational boundary invasion happening
right after divorce, for example. Moms and Dads cling to their
children for the emotional support that they needed from their
spouses. And because it makes children feel so important and
powerful, and because they are so vulnerable themselves, children
become the perfect victims for this kind of emotional incest. It robs

---

the child of childhood. It robs the child of a sense of safety and
security, and it teaches the child that the only way he or she can get
important needs met is to be a victim. Above all, boundary
violations teach us to be victims.
Figure 6.3. 
Family Boundaries

---

Page 61
Family boundaries are those which surround the family as a whole
unit. With a closed family system where the "No Talk" rule is in
full force, we speak of rigid family boundaries. It's "us" against the
world.
When little Suzy races home to Tell Mom how much fun she had at
Karen's house because Karen's mom just taught them how to bake
bread, Suzy's mom replies coldly or angrily or sarcastically, "If you
had so much fun with Karen's mother, why don't you just go live
there? When we see all our friends getting together for a
"sleepover" or "slumber party", we want to have one at our house,
too; and, of course, with rigid family boundaries, this is not
possible. We seldom see any other people in the house. It is as if
the entire family lives alone on an island. It becomes very lonely,
and eventually very unhealthy.
With diffuse family boundaries, the family has no sense of unity at
all. People flow in and out. No one seems to be "in charge". There
are no clear limits or rules. It doesn't feel like a family at all. It's
more like a bunch of molecules wandering aimlessly about,
occasionally bumping into each other but never being able to
define where the family ends and the rest of the world begins.
"Chaotic" describes this situation well.
Think about your own family when you were growing up. Then
think about your pattern of family and friends now. Do you see any
parallels?
As we move on to the next chapters, keep in mind these principles
of family systems because they tell us about the traps from which

---

we must escape if we are to truly recover from the symptoms of
being Adult Children.

---

Page 63
7 
The Traps Get Set
Is it enough to be able to label our symptoms? We don't think so.
We don't think so because we know that it isn't enough just to have
this information. Our clients don't get better with just information.
Denial systems don't change with just information. Feelings don't
get out with just information. What we also need to understand is
the process by which these symptoms were acquired. They didn't
happen overnight. We don't just wake up one day and find that we
are now living a painful life. It is a process that takes a long, long
time to happen.
Bill's Story
Bill Hopkins entered treatment for sexual addiction
1
at the age of
38, after an intervention that was attended by his wife, his two