Clients‟ experience of counselling within a narrative framework

 
 

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1.3.6. Howling 
The inarticulate language of howling aided movement and felt primitive (Hering 1997; Sidoli 
2000) and natural, yet the civilised self seemed conditioned not to want to incorporate this 
response into the grieving process. It had to be learned and nurtured into being. The therapeutic 
relationship provided space for an intimate freedom of expression (Kahn 1991). Howling out 
feeling‟s reflexive cycles (Rennie 1998) allowed a re-experiencing of past events to take place. It 
enabled feelings, thoughts, sensations and events to be integrated within myself and as new 
internal structures emerged the space was found for murder and me to co-exist. This kind of 
howling was physical and verbal in that it was the horror felt within, being cried out. In this way 
the “unintegrated” trauma (Sidoli 2000; 48) that I did not want to contain, was slowly integrated 
into my sense of self. 
However howling felt more than a physical response. It was like the howling of my soul, felt 
internally but not necessarily demonstrated physically. It seems primitive in the sense that it may 
be part of the collective unconscious, “a pre-existent form” (Jung 1969: 43) that Jung sees as 
inherited as opposed to being part of a personal unconscious formed through personal 
experience. This howling is a kind of metaphorical howling, in that writing poetry enabled me to 
express howling in words. What was too awful to speak found a way to use words to express the 
inexpressible. Howling out grief in the form of poetry enabled: “memories, thoughts and 
reflections on experience to be explored and expressed” (Bolton and Latham 2004; 120). Such 
writing enabled me to break the silence of shock, communicate with myself and „validate‟ 
(Thompson 2004; 75) my experience. In the moment of writing words took precedence over 
feeling. Later I would look back at the writing and become aware of the transformation that was 

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taking place. Howling through poetry seemed to enable this process of movement within my 
internal world for as Flint states: 
“I think that the discovery of poetic space and its expression through the imagistic, 
metaphoric language of art or poetry, alteration occurs: that which was solid or 
frozen gains the possibility of movement and fluidity” (2004; 144). 
The participants‟ narratives seem to show their ability to howl with the words/metaphors they 
choose both consciously and unconsciously and this process appears to be aided by the way they 
were asked to write in a poetic style. It is also possible to witness the way they move from 
frozen/stuck places that had previously held them captive internally. Witnessing such 
transformations is a privilege of this study. 
1.3.7. The search for meaning
It seemed so much of my known identity was lost that it felt as if there were no normal defences 
(Garland 1998) left against the reality of a chaotic world, and the meaninglessness of this was 
felt as madness (Kurtz 1989). The seductiveness of this felt madness forced the conflict between 
not suffering anguish and suffering anguish (Bion 1970) towards finding coherence within this 
turbulence of opposing worlds (Gleik 1987). The isolation within the new realm of being used 
the temporal affects of felt timelessness (Flaherty 1992) to think about my immediate condition. 
Shock it seems provided this space to realise myself in isolation (Moustakas 1961) so that a way 
could be found to create a fit between internal coherence and the requirements of the 
environment (Bateson 1979). Working with this self in therapy, in training and in writing poetry 

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enabled the black hole of murder to radiate its own peculiar energy (Nicolis and Prigogine 1989) 
as it became embedded into the vacuum of space and time. As this psychic energy (Jung 1969) 
was released and the circumstances took their place in reality, meaning began to enter into the 
context of murder. 
The search for meaning (Yalom 1980) became a way of surviving within the new realm of being. 
In the external world I felt deserted by friends while at the same time isolating myself from them. 
My world and theirs seemed to have no meeting place, no point of reference (Maturana and 
Varela 1987) to which friendship could be anchored. Only in therapy, in personal writing, in 
training and in the company of close family, could connection to others and to the world be felt. 
These situations may have reflected the anguish of the circumstances but they were also places 
where meaning began to be discovered. Making sense of what had happened (Storr 1988) was 
needed for personal growth. Murder had to become part my life story in order to give meaning to 
this life. Part of this meaning making was using the story of Beauty and the Beast to understand 
what had happened between (and within) my sister and her husband.
Within the process of finding meaning in life it was also discovered that paradoxically, meaning 
had to be relinquished, as opposition made its presence felt again. If only meaning is searched for 
the self may become enclosed (Bachelard 1994) in something that may never be found. As 
Jacobs (2000) suggests meaning is as illusive as it is real. Meaning is needed in life yet perhaps it 
is also necessary to be able to live without it. It cannot be a means to an end for life is more than 
meaning. Life is full of uncertainties that co-exist alongside the meaning and certainties that 
appear to provide security.

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The search for meaning is evident in the participants‟ journals and is brought to life by the way 
they were asked to write the journals. The analysis of the main study in chapter 6 demonstrates 
the usefulness of the search for meaning as the participants begin to find meaning in their 
histories and childhood experiences written out on the pages of their journals. Finding meaning 
seems to enable them to understand themselves as well as making sense of past traumas and the 
impact they have on their lives in the present.