Clients‟ experience of counselling within a narrative framework

1.3.4.Anguish 
Before order could evolve anguish bled out of chaos as images of murder tormented me and 
tumbled out in the silent weeping that was a regular accompaniment during counselling training. 

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Without feeling personal affect and therefore weeping, it was impossible to hear the lectures 
because of the effort needed not to relate the learning, for the lectures seemed to make 
connections (at least in my mind) to my experiences. Cutting off from feelings was no longer an 
option, as if for a while I could do nothing but feel. The only way to listen was to feel, and to pay 
attention (Rennie 1998) to where that feeling came from so I could allow myself to stay with the 
process and on the training course. The embodied feelings (Sidoli 2000) aroused by the violence 
of trauma, could not be switched off. However they could be used so that it was possible to think 
about and symbolize (Woodcock 2004) the processes within my internal world. Personal therapy 
and counsellor training provided known worlds that could be held onto while at the same time 
enabling me to incorporate murder and the unknown world that accompanied it. This congruent 
and reflexive way of being emerged through the anguish and shock and enabled the continuation 
of my life as opposed to trauma arresting further development (Lanyado 1985). There were two 
consequences from experiencing this depth of anguish. Firstly it enabled me to more readily 
recognize anguish in others. My sensitivity to hear anguish in words that did not obviously 
betray it and might even try to conceal it was heightened. This ability helped me to understand 
the participants‟ narratives with a sensitivity that seemed to decipher anguish. Secondly feeling 
deep anguish helped me to allow the depth of my own feelings rather than defending against 
them. Recognizing such defences through feeling anguish enabled me to decode how anguish is 
demonstrated in the participants‟ journals so that their defences are also uncovered within their 
writing.
1.3.5. A murderous self
The raging self within me aroused by murder wanted to murder the perpetrator of the crime, and 

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allowing this self to exist was as arduous as it was easy. It was arduous because it was an 
unrecognised and rejected self, but easy because it was almost an automatic reaction of grief and 
revenge (Purnell 2004). According to Estés the reaction of rage: 
“is part of the healthy instinctual psyche to have deep reactions to disrespect, threat, 
injury. Devout reaction is a natural and unexpected part of learning about the 
collective worlds of soul and psyche” (1992; 368). 
Before trauma, fantasy allowed murder to be, only as fantasy, or as something that happened to 
other people. Now I was frequently aware of a wish to kill anyone who could not stay with the 
reality of what had happened. It was as if a Beast had awoken within me. Therapy enabled re-
entry into such experiences so that over time even the most hidden responses could be re-
experienced. This experiencing of self (Olesen 1992) in unrecognisable forms was unsettling 
(McCarthy 1984) and seemed to trigger reflexivity into being as it felt imperative to understand 
myself in this altered form. It was as if an objective part of me stood aside, from myself, and the 
world, as I watched myself live through what was happening. Coming face to face with such a 
dark side enabled me to accept such internal selves and be more willing to investigate them as 
opposed to disowning them by denial. Writing enabled this Beastly self to exist and be named, in 
my poetry which made it real. Writing compliments counselling and seems to enable the writer 
to grow in their own space. This personal space and previously denied selves would be found by 
the participants as they wrote themselves into their own internal worlds.