like being mothered in this way.
I shared with her that if she wanted to mother me, then the way I wanted to be mothered was to
be unconditionally loved and trusted. I said, "If I miss a plane, don't tell me 'I told you so.'
Trust that I will learn my lesson and adjust accordingly. If I forget my toothbrush or shaving
kit, let me deal with it. Don't tell me about it when I call." With an awareness of what I wanted,
instead of what she would have wanted, it was easier for her to succeed in supporting me.
A Success Story
Once, on a trip to Sweden to teach my relationship seminar, I called back to California from
New York, informing Bonnie that I had left my passport at home. She reacted in such a
beautiful and loving way. She didn't lecture me on being more responsible. Instead she
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laughed and said, "Oh my goodness, John, you have such adventures. What are you going to
do? "
I asked her to fax my passport to the Swedish consulate, and the problem was solved. She was
so cooperative. Never once did she succumb to lecturing me on being more prepared. She was
even proud of me for finding a solution to my problem.
MAKING LITTLE CHANGES
One day I noticed that when my children asked me to do things I would always say "no
problem." It was my way of saying I would be happy to do that. My stepdaughter Julie asked
me one day, "Why do you always say 'no problem'?" I didn't actually know right away. After a
while I realized that it was another of those deeply ingrained Martian habits. With this new
awareness I started saying "I would be happy to do that." This phrase expressed my implied
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