him to follow my advice. He wanted her to trust that he knew what to do!
While men want to be trusted, women want caring. When a man says to a woman "What's the
matter, honey?" with a concerned look on his face, she feels comforted by his caring. When a
woman in a similar caring and concerned way says to a man "What's the matter, honey?" he may
feel insulted or repulsed. He feels as though she doesn't trust him to handle things.
It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be
pitied. A woman may say "I am so sorry I hurt you." He will say "It was no big deal" and push
away her support. She on the other hand loves to hear him say "I'm sorry I hurt you." She then
feels he really cares. Men need to find ways to show they care while women need to find ways
to show they trust.
Too Much Caring Is Smothering
When I first married Bonnie, the night before I would leave town to teach a weekend seminar,
she would ask me what time I was getting up. Then she would ask what time my plane left.
Then she would do some mental figuring and warn me that I hadn't left enough time to catch
my plane. Each time she thought she was supporting me, but I didn't feel it. I felt offended. I
had been traveling around the world for fourteen years teaching courses, and I had never
missed a plane.
Then in the morning, before I left, she asked me a string of questions such as, "Do you have
your ticket? Do you have your wallet? Do you have enough money? Did you pack socks? Do
you know where you are staying?" She thought she was loving me, but I felt mistrusted and
was annoyed. Eventually I let her know that I appreciated her loving intention but that I didn't
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