Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis. Pdfdrive com

5 · IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU

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Thesis. The detailed analysis of this game has already been given in
Chapter 5
. It
was historically the second game uncovered, after ‘Why Don’t You – Yes But’,
which up to that point had been regarded merely as an interesting phenomenon.
With the additional discovery of IWFY, it became clear that there must be a
whole department of social action based on ulterior transactions. This led to a
more active search for such goings-on, and the present collection is one
outcome.
Briefly, a woman marries a domineering man so that he will restrict her
activities and thus keep her from getting into situations which frighten her. If this
were a simple operation, she might express her gratitude when he performed this
service for her. In the game of IWFY, however, her reaction is quite the opposite:
she takes advantage of the situation to complain about the restrictions, which
makes her spouse feel uneasy and gives her all sorts of advantages. This game is
the internal social advantage. The external social advantage is the derivative
pastime ‘If It Weren’t For Him’, which she plays with her congenial lady friends.
6 · LOOK HOW HARD I’VE TRIED
Thesis. In its common clinical form this is a three-handed game played by a
married couple with a psychiatrist. The husband (usually) is bucking for a
divorce, despite loud protestations to the contrary, while the spouse is more
sincere in wanting to continue the marriage. He comes to the therapist under
protest and talks just enough to demonstrate to the wife that he is cooperating;
usually he plays a mild game of ‘Psychiatry’ or ‘Courtroom’. As time passes he
exhibits either increasingly resentful pseudo-compliance or belligerent
argumentativeness towards the therapist. At home he initially shows more
‘understanding’ and restraint, and finally behaves worse than ever. After one,
five or ten visits, depending on the skill of the therapist, he refuses to come any
longer and goes hunting or fishing instead. The wife is then forced into filing for
divorce. The husband is now blameless, since his wife has taken the initiative
and he has demonstrated his good faith by going to the therapist. He is in a good
position to say to any attorney, judge, friend or relative, ‘Look how hard I’ve
tried!’
Antithesis. The couple is seen together. If one – let us say the husband – is
clearly playing this game, the other is taken into individual treatment and the
player is sent on his way, on the valid ground that he is less ready for therapy. He
can still get a divorce, but only at the expense of abandoning his position that he
is really trying. If necessary, the wife can start the divorce, and her position is

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much improved since she really has tried. The favourable, hoped-for outcome is
that the husband, his game broken up, will go into a state of despair and then
seek treatment elsewhere with genuine motivation.
In its everyday form this is easily observed in children as a two-handed
game with one parent. It is played from either of two positions: ‘I am helpless’ or
‘I am blameless’. The child tries, but bungles or is unsuccessful. If he is
Helpless, the parent has to do it for him. If he is Blameless, the parent has no
reasonable grounds for punishing him. This reveals the elements of the game.
The parents should find out two things: which of them taught the child this
game; and what they are doing to perpetuate it.
An interesting, though sometimes sinister, variant is ‘Look How Hard I Was
Trying’, which is usually a harder game of the second or third degree. This can
be illustrated by the case of a hardworking man with a gastric ulcer. There are
many people with progressive physical disabilities who do the best they can to
cope with the situation, and they may enlist the help of their families in a
legitimate way. Such conditions, however, can also be exploited for ulterior
purposes.
First Degree: A man announces to his wife and friends that he has an ulcer.
He also lets them know that he is continuing to work. This elicits their
admiration. Perhaps a person with a painful and unpleasant condition is entitled
to a certain amount of ostentation as a poor recompense for his suffering. He
should be given due credit for not playing ‘Wooden Leg’ instead, and deserves
some reward for continuing to assume his responsibilities. In such a case, the
courteous reply to ‘Look How Hard I’m Trying’ is, ‘Yes, we all admire your
fortitude and conscientiousness.’
Second Degree: A man is told that he has an ulcer, but keeps it a secret from
his wife and friends. He continues working and worrying as hard as ever, and
one day he collapses on the job. When his wife is notified, she gets the message
instantly: ‘Look How Hard I Was Trying. ‘Now she is supposed to appreciate
him as she never has before, and to feel sorry for all the mean things she has said
and done in the past. In short, she is now supposed to love him, all previous
methods of wooing her having failed. Unfortunately for the husband, her
manifestations of affection and solicitude at this point are more apt to be
motivated by guilt than by love. Deep down she is likely to be resentful because
he is using unfair leverage against her, and has also taken unfair advantage of her
by keeping his illness a secret. In short, a diamond bracelet is a much more
honest instrument of courtship than a perforated stomach. She has the option of
throwing the jewellery back at him, but she cannot decently walk out on the
ulcer. A sudden confrontation with a serious illness is more likely to make her

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feel trapped than won over.
This game can often be discovered immediately after the patient first hears
that he has a potentially progressive disability. If he is going to play it, the whole
plan will very likely flash through his mind at that point, and can be recovered
by a careful psychiatric review of the situation. What is recovered is the secret
gloating of his Child at learning that he has such a weapon, masked by his Adult
concern at the practical problems raised by his illness.
Third Degree: Even more sinister and spiteful is the sudden unheralded
suicide because of serious illness. The ulcer progresses to cancer, and one day
the wife, who has never been informed that anything serious is amiss, walks into
the bathroom and finds her husband lying there dead. The note says clearly
enough, ‘Look How Hard I Was Trying.’ If something like this happens twice to
the same woman, it is time for her to find out what she has been playing.

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