John Gray – Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus Scanned by nova scanner: Canoscan D1250 U2f software: Omnipage Pro 9 Date: 28 August 2002 Proofed by

What He Explains 
The Message She Hears 
When she feels invalidated and gets upset, he 
explains "But you are not making sense" or "But 
that is not what I said" or "I've heard all this 
before." 
What she hears is "You have no right to be upset. 
You are irrational and confused. I know what is 
right and you don't. I am superior to you. You 
cause these arguments, not me." 
How She Can Be Less Disapproving 
How He Can be More Validating 
She could say "I don't like what You are saying. It 
feels as if you are judging me. I don't deserve that. 
Please understand me" or "I've had a hard day. I 
know this is not all your fault. And I need you to 
understand what I'm feeling. Ok?" or she can 
simply overlook his comments and ask for what 
she wants, saying "I am in such a bad mood, 
He says "I'm sorry it's not comfortable for you. 
What are you hearing me say?" By giving her a 
chance to reflect back what she has heard then he 
can again say, "I'm sorry. I understand why you 
didn't like it." Then simply pause. This is a time to 
listen. Resist the temptation to explain to her that 
she is misinterpreting what you said. Once the 

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would you listen to me for a while? It will help 
me feel so much better." (Men need lots of 
encouragement to listen.) 
hurt is there it needs to be heard if it is to be 
healed. Explanations are helpful only after the 
hurt is healed with some validation and caring 
understanding. 
 
 
GIVING SUPPORT AT DIFFICULT TIMES 
 
Any relationship has difficult times. They may occur for a variety of reasons, like loss of a job, 
death, illness, or just not enough rest. At these difficult times the most important thing is to try