before they can feel the self-love they deserve.
5. People who always feel loving but wonder why they are depressed or numb generally need
to ask themselves this question: "If I were angry and upset about something, what would it be?"
and write out the answers. This will help them get in touch with the feelings hidden behind the
depression and numbness. Love Letters can be used in this fashion.
How Feelings Can Hide Other Feelings
Following are some examples of how men and women use their negative emotions to avoid or
suppress their true pain. Keep in mind that this process is automatic. We are often not aware
that it is happening. Consider for a moment these questions:
• Do you ever smile when you are really angry?
• Have you acted angry when deep inside you were afraid?
• Do you laugh and make jokes when you are really sad and hurt?
• Have you been quick to blame others when you felt guilty or afraid?
The following chart shows how men and women commonly deny their true feelings. Certainly
not all men will fit the male description just as not all women will fit the female description.
The chart gives us a way to understand how we may remain strangers to our real feelings.
WAYS WE COVER UP OUR REAL FEELINGS
How Men Hide Their Pain
(This process is generally unconscious)
How Women Hide their Pain
(This process is generally unconscious)
1. Men may use anger as a way of avoiding the
painful feelings of sadness, hurt, sorrow, guilt,
and fear.
1. Women may use concern and worry as a way
of avoiding the painful feelings of anger, guilt,
fear, and disappointment.
2. Men may use indifference and discourage- ent
as a way of avoiding the painful feelings of
anger.
2. Women may fall into confusion as a way of
avoiding anger, irritation, and frustration.
3. Men may use feeling offended as a way of
avoiding feeling hurt.
3. Women may use feeling bad as a way of
avoiding embarrassment, anger, sadness, and
regret.
4. Men may use anger and righteousness as a
way to avoid feeling afraid or uncertain.
4. Women may use fear and uncertainty as a
way of avoiding anger, hurt, and sadness.
5. Men may feel ashamed to avoid anger and
grieving.
5. Women may use grieving to avoid feeling
angry and afraid.
6. Men may use peace and calm as a way to
avoid
anger,
fear,
disappointment,
discouragement, and shame.
6. Women may use hope as a way to avoid
anger, sadness, grief, and sorrow.
7. Men may use confidence to avoid feeling
inadequate.
7. Women may use happiness and gratitude to
avoid feeling sadness and disappointment.
8. Men may use aggression to avoid feeling
afraid.
8. Women may use love and forgiveness as a
way to avoid feeling hurt and angry.
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