WHEN HE NEEDS MORE APPROVAL THAN MOST
Most arguments occur not because two people disagree but because either the man feels that
the woman disapproves of his point of view or the woman disapproves of the way he is talking
to her. She often may disapprove of him because he is not validating her point of view or
speaking to her in a caring way. When men and women learn
to approve and validate, they don't
have to argue. They can discuss and negotiate differences.
When a man makes a mistake or forgets to do an errand or fulfill some responsibility, a woman
doesn't realize how sensitive he feels. This is when he needs her love the most. To withdraw
ber approval at this point causes him extreme pain. She may not even realize she is doing it.
She may think she is just feeling disappointed, but he feels her disapproval.
One of the ways women unknowingly communicate disapproval is in their eyes and tone of
voice. The words she chooses may be loving, but her look or the tone of her voice can wound a
man. His defensive reaction is to make her feel wrong. He invalidates her and justifies himself.
Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love. If
he disappoints her, he wants to explain to her why she should not be so upset. He thinks his
reasons will help her to feel better. What he doesn't know is that if she is upset, what she needs
most is to be heard and validated.
HOW TO EXPRESS YOUR DIFFERENCES WITHOUT ARGUING
Without healthy role models, expressing differences and disagreements can be a very difficult
task. Most of our parents either did not argue at all or when they did it quickly escalated into a
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