John Gray – Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus Scanned by nova scanner: Canoscan D1250 U2f software: Omnipage Pro 9 Date: 28 August 2002 Proofed by

 
 
2. When He Forgets Something 
 
Her Rhetorical Question 
The Message He Hears 
When he forgets to do something, she says "How 
could you forget?" or "When will you ever 
remember?" or "How am I supposed to trust 
you?" 
The message he hears is "There is no good reason 
for forgetting. You are stupid and can't be trusted. 
I give so much more to this relationship. "
What He Explains 
The Message She Hears 
When he forgets to do something and she gets 
upset he explains, "I was real busy and just forgot. 
These things just happen sometimes" or "It's not 
such a big deal. It doesn't mean I don't care." 
What she hears is "You shouldn't get so upset 
over such trivial matters. You are being too 
demanding and your response is irrational. Try to 
be more realistic. You live in a fantasy world." 
How She Can Be Less Disapproving 
How He Can be More Validating 
If she is upset, she could say "I don't like it when 
you forget." She could also take another effective 
approach and simply not mention that he has 
forgotten something and just ask again, saying "I 
would appreciate it if you would … … ... " (He 
will know he has forgotten.) 
He says, "I did forget. Are you angry with me? 
Then let her talk without making her wrong for 
being angry." As she talks she will realize she is 
being heard and soon she will feel very 
appreciative of him. 
 
 
 
 
3. When He Returns from His Cave 
 

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Her Rhetorical Question 
The Message He Hears 
When he comes back from his cave, she says 
"How could you be so unfeeling and cold?" or 
"How do you expect me to react?" or "How am I 
supposed to know what's going on inside you?" 
The message he hears is "There's no good reason 
for pulling away from me. You are cruel and 
unloving. You are the wrong man for me. You 
have hurt me so much more than I have ever hurt 
you."