John Gray – Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus Scanned by nova scanner: Canoscan D1250 U2f software: Omnipage Pro 9 Date: 28 August 2002 Proofed by

How She Can Be Less Disapproving 
How He Can be More Validating 
If she is upset she could say "I don't like being 
disappointed. I thought you were going to call. 
It's OK and I need you to know how it feels when 
you " and she will feel better.
He says, "I understand I disappointed you. Let's 
talk about it. How did you feel?" Again let her 
talk. Give her a chance to be heard. After a while, 
say to her "What do you need from me now to feel 
my support?" or "How can I support you now?" 
 
5. When He Doesn't Respect Her Feelings and Hurts Her 
 
Her Rhetorical Question 
The Message He Hears 
When he doesn't respect her feelings and hurts 
her, she says, "How could you say that?" or "How 
could you treat me this way?" or "Why can't you 
listen to me?" or "Do you even care about me 
anymore?" or "Do I treat you this way?" 
The message he hears is "You are a bad and 
abusive person. I am so much more loving than 
you. I will never forgive you for this. You should 
be punished and cast out. This is all your fault." 
What He Explains 
The Message She Hears 
When he doesn't respect her feelings and she gets 
even more upset, he explains "Look, I didn't mean 
that" or "I do listen to you; see I am doing so right 
now" or "I don't always ignore you" or "I am not 
laughing at you." 
What she hears is "You have no right to be upset. 
You are not making any sense. You are too 
sensitive, something is wrong with you. You are 
such a burden."
How She Can Be Less Disapproving 
How He Can be More Validating 
She could say "I don't like the way you are talking 
to me. Please stop" or "You are being mean and I 
He says "I'm sorry, you don't deserve to be treated 
that way." Take a deep breath and just listen to 

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don't appreciate it. I want to take a time-out" or 
"This is not the way I wanted to have this 
conversation. Let's start over" or "I don't deserve 
to be treated this way. I want to take a time-out" 
or "Would you please not interrupt" or "Would 
you please listen to what I am saying." (A man 
can respond best to short and direct statements. 
Lectures or questions are counterproductive.) 
her response. She may carry on and say 
something like "You never listen." When she 
pauses, say "You are right. Sometimes I don't 
listen. I'm sorry, you don't deserve to be treated 
that way. Let's start over. This time we will do it 
better." Starting a conversation over is an excellent 
way to keep an argument from escalating. If she 
doesn't want to start over don't make her feel 
wrong. Remember, if you give her the right to be 
upset then she will be more accepting and 
approving.