to communicate with a loving, validating, and approving attitude. In addition we need to accept
and understand that we and our partners will not always be perfect. By learning successfully to
communicate in response to the smaller upsets in a relationship it becomes easier to deal with
the bigger challenges when they suddenly appear.
In each of the above examples I have placed the woman in the role of being upset with the man
for something he did or didn't do. Certainly men can also be upset with women, and any of my
suggestions listed above apply equally to both sexes. If you are in a relationship, asking your
partner how he or she would respond to the suggestions listed above is a useful exercise.
Take some time when you are not upset with your partner to discover what words work best for
them and share what works best for you. Adopting a few "prearranged agreed-upon statements"
can be immensely helpful to neutralize tension when conflict arises.
Also, remember that no matter how correct your choice of words, the feeling behind your words
counts most. Even if you were to use the exact phrases listed above, if your partner didn't feel
your love, validation, and approval the tension would continue to increase. As I mentioned
before, sometimes the best solution for avoiding conflict is to see it coming and lie low for a
while. Take a time-out to center yourself so that you can then come together again with greater
understanding, acceptance, validation, and approval.
Making some of these changes may at first feel awkward or even manipulative. Many people
have the idea that love means "saying it like it is." This overly direct approach, however, does
not take into account the listener's feelings. One can still be honest and direct about feelings
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