6. When He Is in a Hurry and She Doesn't Like It
Her Rhetorical Question
The Message He Hears
She complains "Why are we always in a hurry?"
or "Why do you always have to rush places?"
The message he hears is "There is no good reason
for this rushing! You never make me happy.
Nothing will ever change you. You are
incompetent and obviously you don't care about
me."
What He Explains
The Message She Hears
He explains, "It's not so bad" or "This is the way it
has always been" or "There is nothing we can do
about it now" or "Don't worry so much; it will be
fine. "
What she hears is "You have no right to complain.
You should be grateful for what you have and not
be such a dissatisfied and unhappy person. There
is no good reason to complain, you are bringing
every one down."
How She Can Be Less Disapproving
How He Can be More Validating
If she feels upset she can say "It's OK that we are
rushing and I don't like it. It feels like we're
always rushing" or "I love it when we are not in a
hurry and I hate it sometimes when we have to
rush, I just don't like it. Would you plan our next
trip with fifteen minutes of extra time?"
He says "I don't like it either. I wish we could just
slow down. It feels so crazy. --- In this example he
has related to her feelings. Even if a part of him
likes to rush, he can best support her in her
moment of frustration by expressing how some
part of himself sincerely relates to her frustration.
7. When She Feels Invalidated in a Conversation
Her Rhetorical Question
The Message He Hears
When she feels unsupported or invalidated in a
conversation, she says "Why did you say that?" or
"Why do you have to talk to me this way?" or
"Don't you even care about what I'm saying?" or
"How can you say that?"
The message he hears is "There is no good reason
for treating me this way. Therefore you do not
love me. You do not care. I give you so much and
you give back nothing!"
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