about work, occasionally she could mention that it is so nice to have him in her life to come
home to; if she is complaining about the house, then she could mention that she appreciates
that he fixed the fence; or if she is complaining about finances, mention that she really
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appreciates how hard he works; or if she is complaining about the frustrations of being a
parent, she could mention that she is glad she has his help.
Sharing Responsibility
Good communication requires participation on both sides. A man needs to work at
remembering that complaining about problems does not mean blaming and that when a
woman complains she is generally just letting go of her frustrations by talking about them. A
woman can work at letting him know that though she is complaining she also appreciates him.
For example, my wife just came in and asked how I was doing on this chapter. I said, "I'm
almost done. How was your day?"
She said, "Oh, there is so much to do. We hardly have any time together." The old me would
have become defensive and then reminded her of all the time we have spent together, or I
would have told her how important it was to meet. my deadline. This would have just created
tension.
The new me, aware of our differences, understood she was looking for reassurance and
understanding and not justifications and explanations. I said, "You're right, we have been really
busy. Sit down here on my lap, let me give you a hug. It's been a long day."
She then said, "You feel really good." This was the appreciation I needed in order to be more
available to her. She then proceeded to complain more about her day and how exhausted she
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