through. As I listened I kept remembering that to support my sister I didn't have to give her
any solutions. She needed someone just to listen. After ten minutes of just listening and
occasionally saying things like "uh-huh," "oh," and "ready!" she then said, "Well, thank you,
John. I feel so much better."
It was much easier to hear her because I knew she was not blaming me. She was blaming
someone else. I find it more difficult when my wife is unhappy because it is easier for me to
feel blamed. However, when my wife encourages me to listen by appreciating me, it becomes
much easier to be a good listener.
What to Do When You Feel Like Blaming
Reassuring a man that it is not his fault or that he is not being blamed works only as long as
she truly is not blaming him, disapproving of him, or criticizing him. If she is attacking him,
then she should share her feelings with someone else. She should wait until she is more loving
and centered to talk to him. She could share her resentful feelings with someone she is not
upset with, who will be able to give her the support she needs. Then when she feels more
loving and forgiving she can successfully approach him to share her feelings. In chapter 11 we
will explore in greater detail how to communicate difficult feelings.
Now to Listen Without Blaming
A man often blames a woman for being blaming when she is innocently talking about
problems. This is very destructive to the relationship because it blocks communication.
Imagine a woman saying "All we ever do is work, work, work. We don't have any fun anymore.
You are so serious." A man could very easily feel she is blaming him.
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