Microsoft Word Marriage Guide doc

Source: 
www.al-islamforall@org
 
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To make a successful marriage, it is also vital that you take into consideration the 
needs and nature of your partner. What he or she believes about 'life, the universe and 
everything' is important in the pursuit of your own happiness and success. For if only one 
half of the partnership is happy and fulfilled by the relationship, it will not be long before 
both are affected. 
People intending to marry need to know from the outset whether or not they are 
compatible with each other. This means more than whether or not they are from a suitable 
family, or whether they are practicing the basic obligations of the faith: such things are 
important, but to believe that they are all that matters may lead to disaster. Sometimes, 
when one has fallen in love one is almost in a state of sickness which impairs the mental 
state. They say 'love is blind': as Imam Busiri says in his poem Al-Burda: `You have besieged 
me with advice, but I hear it not; for the man in love is deaf to all reproaches.' Often the 
person in love is so besotted with the beloved that they simply cannot see the things that 
are 'wrong' with the loved one. Or if they can, they assume that their love is so powerful 
that it will overcome all obstacles and incompatibilities, and will be able to influence the 
beloved to change according to the desires and tastes of the lover. 
Some hope! If two people are not well-suited as a team, then the going is likely to be 
rough. According to an old Middle Eastern proverb, a field cannot be properly ploughed if an 
ox and a donkey are yoked together. Such a performance might be possible, but it would 
cause pain and hardship to both. 
The same applies in marriage. If a man and woman have totally different interests, 
tastes, pastimes, and types of friends, it is a dead cert that their marriage will soon come 
under strain. This is one good reason why it is important for life-partners to have a shared 
attitude to their religion. Allah has prohibited marriage to polytheists, and has commanded 
us to marry people of religion. He has also approved the involvement of parents and 
guardians in the choice of spouse. 
Family backgrounds often have a great deal to do with the set of values people have. 
When the backgrounds of both husband and wife are similar, they will probably find it easier 
to grow together. However, Allah and His Prophet (P.B.U.H) have stated that people from 
widely different backgrounds can make very good marriages, so long as their attitude to 
their religion is compatible. 
'A slave who believes is better (for you) than an idolatress, though she attract you.' 
(Qur'an, 2:221) 
'A woman is married for four reasons: for her property, her rank, her beauty and her 
religion. Win the one who is religious, and you will prosper.' (Bukhari and Muslim) 
Many marriages these days end up in unhappiness or even divorce on the grounds of 
incompatibility. If the partners had stood aside from the issue of 'being in love' for a 
moment, and had been careful to examine their actual compatibility instead, these 
tragedies might have been averted. Hence the importance of intelligent parental help in 
selecting and assessing potential partners! 
Sincere respect for each other is the most vital element-not so-called 'closeness' and 
physical intimacy before marriage. Unbridled passion might seem flattering at first, but it 
actually betrays a selfish unconcern for the other person's happiness. It might also sow seeds 
of doubt that could later give rise to uncertainty as to the real motive for the marriage. Was 
it merely to provide an outlet for passion, or was it genuinely to share a lifetime with 
someone who is truly appreciated and loved? Many find out to their cost that lack of 
self-control before marriage frequently foreshadows lack of self-control 
afterwards. However, it is never possible for two people to be completely compatible in 
every respect, for they are two separate individuals, each with a distinct soul and person-
ality. If one partner simply tries to dominate the other so as to wipe out the other spouse's 
personality, tragedy is on the way. One of the biggest dangers of 'macho' males is that after 
a very short period of married life they tend to think of their partners in terms of 'wife' or 
'extension of self;' or even 'property,' and forget that Islam recognises women as persons in 
their own right. 
The Muslim Marriage Guide: Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood

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