Microsoft Word Marriage Guide doc

Source: 
www.al-islamforall@org
 
6
is going to be the most profound commitment in the whole of your life, and is going to 
affect the lives and wellbeing of so many people, not only your own! 
What does a person want from marriage? Before committing themselves to a life-
partner, every individual should try to sit down calmly and become conscious of what 
their needs really are, and consider whether or not the proposed partner is going to 
prove likely to be able to fulfill those needs. These needs are not just for a man to 
have a cheap servant or concubine (a maid, or an available sex-partner for whenever 
he feels 'in the mood'); or for a woman to have someone to shower her with gifts, 
clothes, jewellery and flowers, or to provide the means for her to cradle in her arms a 
beloved baby (a sugar-daddy or a stud-bull). The needs amount to much more than 
that. They are physical, emotional, and also spiritual. 
What are your values and your goals, and how do you expect to achieve them? 
You have to know yourself pretty well, and also have a fair idea of whether or not your 
intended spouse understands them and is willing and able to satisfy them. 
Furthermore, if your marriage is to be successful, you must also be considerate 
towards the legitimate needs of your partner, and not just look to your own 
gratification. If you are going to be happy, then your spouse must be happy also, or 
your relationship is doomed. 
We have physical needs, not only for sexual satisfaction but also for food, 
clothing and shelter. 
We also have emotional needs-for understanding, kindness and compassion. We 
have the need for companionship and friendship, a person with whom we can share our 
intimate thoughts and still feel secure; someone who we know is not going to laugh at 
us or mock us, but is going to care about us. We need to feel that we are building 
something up together, and accomplishing something that is good. 
Then, we have the spiritual need for inner peace and contentment. We need to 
feel at home with a partner whose way of life is compatible with our own sense of 
morality, and our desire to live in such a way as is pleasing to God. If our religion 
means anything at all to us, then the most fundamental need we have is to find 
someone whose Islam is not just on the lips, but has reached the heart. 
We will not feel comfortable if we are settled in a life partnership with someone 
whose ways, morals or habits make us uneasy or disapproving-that would not make for 
our inner peace, but would be a terrible worry. We want to feel secure. This has 
nothing to do with satisfying our urges for career, fame, wealth, and material posses-
sions. Such things are pleasant enough, but Muslims know that there is a hunger of the 
spirit that remains even after all these physical needs are satisfied. The love of dunya-
the things of this world-is a tricky illusion. Muslims know that no matter how pleasant 
they may be, the things of this world are ephemeral and will pass away quickly: they 
are dependent on the will of Allah. A millionaire can be ground into the dust at the 
slightest turn of fate. Nothing of the earth's riches can be taken with us when we leave 
here to make the journey that comes after this brief life in the world. 
Our spirits long to know who we are, what we are, why we are here, where we are 
going, and how we can get there. Non-believers scoff at religion, but find their hearts are 
not at ease because they do not have the answers to these questions. Muslims feel that 
even if they do not know all the details for certain, at least they are on the right road. 
Even if they do not always know the reason why Allah has given a particular instruction, 
they trust His judgments, and know it is right to carry it out, and that in doing so they will 
find happiness and contentment. 
So, when we are about to embark upon marriage, we need to be aware of how we 
feel about all these issues-and also, how our chosen partner feels. Of course, it is 
impossible to sit down and thrash out all the answers in five minutes. The greatest brains 
in the world spend whole lifetimes on these issues. Nevertheless, it is sensible to at least 
be aware of the issues-even if we cannot come up with all the answers-and to have talked 
about them frankly to the intended spouse. 
The Muslim Marriage Guide: Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood

---