Microsoft Word Marriage Guide doc

Source: 
www.al-islamforall@org
 
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When husbands on the brink of divorce are interviewed by counsellors such as the 
Relate teams, they frequently realise with a shock that even though they might have been 
married for years and have perhaps expected their wives to pander to their every whim, 
they do not have the least idea what their wife's favourite colour, or dress, or hobby is, or 
who their friends are. They simply never noticed any aspect of their wife that did not 
specifically relate to them. 
People are not perfect, of course; we all have shortcomings. A spouse might not be 
aware of the shortcomings of his or her partner before marriage, but will certainly pick up 
this awareness pretty soon afterwards. Some marriages virtually die in the honeymoon 
period, if some awful, unsuspected habit is suddenly revealed in the intimacy of the 
bedroom. A friend of mine, for example, accepted her arranged marriage quite happily, 
until she discovered that her new husband had disgusting personal habits, and even threw 
his meal leftovers out of the window! Previously, he had performed such personal chores as 
picking his nose, cutting his toenails, and passing wind, in private. This poor lady discovered 
that he thought his wife did not count, and happily did these things in her presence. She was 
naturally disgusted. It proved impossible to cure these shortcomings, so the marriage was 
swiftly doomed. 
So, if you love him, but you are irritated by the way he always leaves a mess for 
others to clear up, never gives you a little gift or remembers important dates, and you find 
the way he honks out his throat disgusting, he is going to drive you crazy after marriage. 
And if you adore her, but you wish she didn't witter on quite so much, or talk about you to 
her friends, or go into sulks and tears at the slightest thing, or cling to you quite so tightly 
when you are going out-then the gazing at you and talking at you will soon pall, and you'll 
be off with your friends to get a break from it, only to return later to the tantrums and the 
tears. 
If you can see his or her faults, and love him or her anyway (without changes), and are 
able to live with your irritation-fair enough. But if you know that would be impossible, think 
twice. Suppose your pet hate was dirty socks, but your man wears them until they stick to 
the wall if thrown there? I knew such a man. Over twenty years of nagging had no effect on 
him. Suppose the smell of pipe smoke makes you feel sick? Yes, he may say he'll give it all 
up for you-but we've all met failed nonsmokers before! 
It is not the shortcomings themselves that make a marriage fail, but the inability to 
communicate about them, and tackle them, or make allowances for them. Are you flexible 
enough to make allowances, as you wish allowances to be made for you? Do the good 
points of your loved one outweigh the bad? Love certainly does cover a multitude of sins; 
but do you really love that person enough, or were you really only in love with a dream of 
what you would like your loved one to be, and not the real person, warts and all? 
Some men and women never give up their `dream lovers,' ideals created in their own 
fantasies. They spend a lifetime hankering after that ideal, or trying to mould the one they 
have into that ideal. By 'mould,' we occasionally mean 'force.’ Either way, it is pretty 
miserable and insulting for the one whose natural character is being rejected. 
Sometimes people are 'in love with love,' and crave the excitement and satisfaction of 
continual romance. Once the more down-to-earth partner begins to settle in, they feel 
taken for granted and starved of affection, and the craving for the fire of fresh love 
overcomes the domestic cosiness and contentment, which seems so dull by comparison. 
Their ideal lover would present his or her soul on a plate to them every time they gaze into 
each other's eyes. They never realise that the dream person does not exist beyond their own 
fantasies. Consequently, they are always in the 'pain' of love. Dissatisfied, frustrated 
lovers do not make good marriage material. In Muslim marriage, it is reality that 
counts. 
It is foolish not to think seriously about the problems that other people can see, 
and ignore the wise advice of those who care about you. Those who simply close their 
eyes and minds to unpleasant details before marriage will certainly have to face them 
later, when the need to be on best behaviour has gone and both partners are reverting 
The Muslim Marriage Guide: Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood

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