The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

V
ARIOUS
 D
IALECTS
Words of affirmation are one of the five basic love
languages. Within that language, however, there are many
dialects. We have discussed a few already, and there are
many more. Entire volumes and numerous articles have
been written on these dialects. All of the dialects have in
common the use of words to affirm one’s spouse.
Psychologist William James said that possibly the deepest
human need is the need to feel appreciated. Words of
affirmation will meet that need in many individuals. If you
are not a man or woman of words, if it is not your primary
love language but you think it may be the love language of
your spouse, let me suggest that you keep a notebook titled

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“Words of Affirmation.” When you read an article or book
on love, record the words of affirmation you find. When you
hear a lecture on love or you overhear a friend saying
something positive about another person, write it down. In
time, you will collect quite a list of words to use in
communicating love to your spouse.
You may also want to try giving indirect words of
affirmation, that is, saying positive things about your
spouse when he or she is not present. Eventually, someone
will tell your spouse, and you will get full credit for love. Tell
your wife’s mother how great your wife is. When her mother
tells her what you said, it will be amplified, and you will get
even more credit. Also affirm your spouse in front of others
when he or she is present. When you are given public honor
for an accomplishment, be sure to share the credit with your
spouse. You may also try your hand at writing words of
affirmation. Written words have the benefit of being read
over and over again.
I
learned an important lesson about words of affirmation
and love languages in Little Rock, Arkansas. My visit with
Bill and Betty Jo was on a beautiful spring day. They lived in
a cluster home with white picket fence, green grass, and
spring flowers in full bloom. It was idyllic. Once inside,
however, I discovered that the idealism ended. Their
marriage was in shambles. Twelve years and two children

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after the wedding day, they wondered why they had married
in the first place. They seemed to disagree on everything.
The only thing they really agreed on was that they both
loved the children. As the story unraveled, my observation
was that Bill was a workaholic who had little time left over
for Betty Jo. Betty Jo worked part-time, mainly to get out of
the house. Their method of coping was withdrawal. They
tried to put distance between themselves so that their
conflicts would not seem as large. But the gauge on both
love tanks read “empty.”
They told me that they had been going for marriage
counseling but didn’t seem to be making much progress.
They were attending my marriage seminar, and I was
leaving town the next day. This would likely be my only
encounter with Bill and Betty Jo. I decided to put all my
eggs in one basket.
I spent an hour with each of them separately. I listened
intently to both stories. I discovered that in spite of the
emptiness 
of 
their 
relationship 
and 
their 
many
disagreements, they appreciated certain things about each
other. Bill acknowledged, “She is a good mother. She also
is a good housekeeper and an excellent cook when she
chooses to cook. But,” he continued, “there is simply no
affection coming from her. I work my butt off and there is
simply no appreciation.” In my conversation with Betty Jo,
she agreed that Bill was an excellent provider. “But,” she
complained, “he does nothing around the house to help me,
and he never has time for me. What’s the use of having the

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house, the recreational vehicle, and all the other things if
you don’t ever get to enjoy them together?”
With that information, I decided to focus my advice by
making only one suggestion to each of them. I told Bill and
Betty Jo separately that each one held the key to changing
the emotional climate of the marriage. “That key,” I said, “is
to express verbal appreciation for the things you like about
the other person and, for the moment, suspending your
complaints about the things you do not like.” We reviewed
the positive comments they had already made about each
other and helped each of them write a list of those positive
traits. Bill’s list focused on Betty Jo’s activities as a mother,
housekeeper, and cook. Betty Jo’s list focused on Bill’s
hard work and financial provision of the family. We made
the lists as specific as possible. Betty Jo’s list looked like
this:
He hasn’t missed a day of work in twelve years.
He is aggressive in his work.
He has received several promotions through the
years. He is always thinking of ways to improve
his productivity.
He makes the house payment each month.
He also pays the electrical bill, the gas bill, the
water bill.

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He bought us a recreational vehicle three years
ago.
He mows the grass or hires someone to do it
each week in the spring and summer.
He rakes the leaves or hires someone to do it in
the fall.
He provides plenty of money for food and
clothing for the family.
He carries the garbage out about once a month.
He provides money for me to buy Christmas
presents for the family.
He agrees that I can use the money I make at my