The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

Q
UALITY
 A
CTIVITIES

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In addition to the basic love language of quality time, or
giving your spouse your undivided attention, is another
dialect called quality activities. At a recent marriage
seminar, I asked couples to complete the following
sentence: “I feel most loved by my husband/ wife when
_______.” Here is the response of a twenty-nine-year-old
husband who has been married for eight years: “I feel most
loved by my wife when we do things together, things I like to
do and things she likes to do. We talk more. It sorta feels
like we are dating again.” That is a typical response of
individuals whose primary love language is quality time.
The emphasis is on being together, doing things together,
giving each other undivided attention.
Quality activities may include anything in which one or
both of you have an interest. The emphasis is not on what
you are doing but on why you are doing it. The purpose is to
experience something together, to walk away from it feeling
“He cares about me. He was willing to do something with
me that I enjoy, and he did it with a positive attitude.” That is
love, and for some people it is love’s loudest voice.
T
racie grew up with the symphony. Throughout her
childhood, the house was filled with classical music. At
least once a year, she accompanied her parents to the
symphony. Larry, on the other hand, grew up on country and
western music. He never actually attended a concert, but

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the radio was always on, tuned to the country station. The
symphony he called elevator music. Had he not married
Tracie, he could have lived his life without ever attending
the symphony. Before they were married, while he was still
in the obsessed state of being in love, he went to the
symphony. But even in his euphoric emotional state, his
attitude was, “You call this stuff music?” After marriage, that
was one experience he never expected to repeat. When,
however, he discovered several years later that quality time
was Tracie’s primary love language and that she especially
liked the dialect of quality activities and that attending the
symphony was one of those activities, he chose to go with
an enthusiastic spirit. His purpose was clear. It was not to
attend the symphony but to love Tracie and to speak her
language loudly. In time, he did come to appreciate the
symphony and even occasionally to enjoy a movement or
two. He may never become a symphony lover, but he has
become proficient at loving Tracie.
Q
uality activities may include such activities as putting in
a garden, visiting flea markets, shopping for antiques,
listening to music, picnicking together, taking long walks, or
washing the car together on a hot summer day. The
activities are limited only by your interest and willingness to
try new experiences. The essential ingredients in a quality
activity are: (1) at least one of you wants to do it, (2) the

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other is willing to do it, (3) both of you know why you are
doing it—to express love by being together.
One of the by-products of quality activities is that they
provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years
ahead. Fortunate is the couple who remembers an early
morning stroll along the coast, the spring they planted the
flower garden, the time they got poison ivy chasing the
rabbit through the woods, the night they attended their first
major league baseball game together, the one and only
time they went skiing together and he broke his leg, the
amusement parks, the concerts, the cathedrals, and oh,
yes, the awe of standing beneath the waterfall after the two-
mile hike. They can almost feel the mist as they remember.
Those are memories of love, especially for the person
whose primary love language is quality time.
And where do we find time for such activities,
especially if both of us have vocations outside the home?
We make time just as we make time for lunch and dinner.
Why? Because it is just as essential to our marriage as
meals are to our health. Is it difficult? Does it take careful
planning? Yes. Does it mean we have to give up some
individual activities? Perhaps. Does it mean we do some
things we don’t particularly enjoy? Certainly. Is it worth it?
Without a doubt. What’s in it for me? The pleasure of living
with a spouse who feels loved and knowing that I have
learned to speak his or her love language fluently.
A personal word of thanks to Bill and Betty Jo in Little
Rock, who taught me the value of love language number

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one, Words of Affirmation, and love language number two,
Quality Time. Now, it’s on to Chicago and love language
number three.
If your spouse’s love language is