The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

L
EARNING TO
 T
ALK
Quality conversation requires not only sympathetic
listening but also self-revelation. When a wife says, “I wish
my husband would talk. I never know what he’s thinking or
feeling,” she is pleading for intimacy. She wants to feel
close to her husband, but how can she feel close to
someone whom she doesn’t know? In order for her to feel
loved, he must learn to reveal himself. If her primary love
language is quality time and her dialect is quality
conversation, her emotional love tank will never be filled
until he tells her his thoughts and feelings.
If you need to learn the language of quality conversation,
begin by noting the emotions you feel away from home.
Self-revelation does not come easy for some of us.
Many adults grew up in homes where the expression of
thoughts and feelings was not encouraged but condemned.
To request a toy was to receive a lecture on the sad state
of family finances. The child went away feeling guilty for
having the desire, and he quickly learned not to express his
desires. When he expressed anger, the parents responded
with harsh and condemning words. Thus, the child learned

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that expressing angry feelings is not appropriate. If the child
was made to feel guilty for expressing disappointment at
not being able to go to the store with his father, he learned
to hold his disappointment inside. By the time we reach
adulthood, many of us have learned to deny our feelings.
We are no longer in touch with our emotional selves.
A wife says to her husband, “How did you feel about
what Don did?” And the husband responds, “I think he was
wrong. He should have—” but he is not telling her his
feelings. He is voicing his thoughts. Perhaps he has reason
to feel angry, hurt, or disappointed, but he has lived so long
in the world of thought that he does not acknowledge his
feelings. When he decides to learn the language of quality
conversation, it will be like learning a foreign language. The
place to begin is by getting in touch with his feelings,
becoming aware that he is an emotional creature in spite of
the fact that he has denied that part of his life.
If you need to learn the language of quality
conversation, begin by noting the emotions you feel away
from home. Carry a small notepad and keep it with you
daily. Three times each day, ask yourself, “What emotions
have I felt in the last three hours? What did I feel on the way
to work when the driver behind me was riding my bumper?
What did I feel when I stopped at the gas station and the
automatic pump did not shut off and the side of the car was
covered with gas? What did I feel when I got to the office
and found that my secretary had been assigned to a
special work project for the morning? What did I feel when

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my supervisor told me that the project I was working on had
to be completed in three days when I thought I had another
two weeks?”
Write down your feelings in the notepad and a word or
two to help you remember the event corresponding to the
feeling. Your list may look like this: