The 50th Law (with 50 Cent)

partnerships with them. They are masters at slipping away at the
wrong moment, at getting you to do all of the hard work and take the
blame if it fails. At all costs avoid the temptation to help or rescue them
from their negativity. They are too good at the avoidance game.
The Depressive Attitude. As children, these types did not feel
loved or respected by their parents. For helpless children, it is too
much to imagine that their parents could be wrong or flawed in their
parenting. Even if unloved, they still are dependent on them. And so
their defense is to often internalize the negative judgment and imagine
that they are indeed unworthy of being loved, that there is something
actually wrong with them. In this way they can maintain the illusion
that their parents are strong and competent. All of this occurs quite
unconsciously, but the feeling of being worthless will haunt such
people their entire lives. Deep down they will feel ashamed of who they
are and not really know why they feel this way.
As adults they will anticipate abandonment, loss, and sadness in
their experiences and see signs of potentially depressing things in the
world around them. They are secretly drawn to what is gloomy in the
world, to the seamy side of life. If they can manufacture some of the
depression they feel in this way, it at least is under their control. They
are consoled by the thought that the world is a dreary place. A strategy
they will employ throughout their lives is to temporarily withdraw
from life and from people. This will feed their depression and also
make it something they can manage to some extent, as opposed to
traumatic experiences imposed upon them.

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An excellent example of this type was the talented German
composer and conductor Hans von Bülow (1830–1894). In 1855 von
Bülow met and fell in love with Cosima Liszt (1837–1930), the
charismatic daughter of the composer Franz Liszt. Cosima was drawn
to von Bülow’s air of sadness. He lived with his domineering and
hostile mother, and Cosima had great sympathy for him. She wanted to
rescue von Bülow and transform him into a great composer. They were
soon married. As time went on, Cosima could see that he felt quite
inferior in relation to her intelligence and strong will. Soon he began to
question her love for him. He continually withdrew from her during his
bouts of depression. When she became pregnant, he suddenly
developed some mysterious ailment that prevented him from being
with her. Without warning he could become quite cold.
Feeling unloved and neglected, she began an affair with the famous
composer Richard Wagner, who was a friend and colleague of von
Bülow’s. Cosima had the feeling that von Bülow had unconsciously
encouraged their affair. When she eventually left von Bülow to live
with Wagner, von Bülow bombarded her with letters, blaming himself
for what had happened; he was unworthy of her love. He would then
go on about the bad turn in his career, his various illnesses, his suicidal
tendencies. Although he criticized himself, she could not help but feel
guilty and depressed for somehow being responsible. Recounting all of
his woes seemed like his subtle way of wounding her. She compared
each letter to “a sword twisted in my heart.” And they kept coming,
year after year, until he remarried and repeated the same pattern with
his new wife.
These types often have a secret need to wound others, encouraging
behavior such as betrayal or criticism that will feed their depression.
They will also sabotage themselves if they experience any kind of
success, feeling deep down that they don’t deserve it. They will develop
blocks in their work, or take criticism to mean they should not
continue with their career. Depressive types can often attract people to
them, because of their sensitive nature; they stimulate the desire to
want to help them. But like von Bülow, they will start to criticize and
wound the ones who wish to help, then withdraw again. This push and
pull causes confusion, but once under their spell it is hard to disengage
from them without feeling guilty. They have a gift for making other
people feel depressed in their presence. This gives them more fuel to
feed off.

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Most of us have depressive tendencies and moments. The best way
to handle them is to be aware of their necessity—they are our body’s
and mind’s way of compelling us to slow down, to lower our energies
and withdraw. Depressive cycles can serve positive purposes. The
solution is to realize their usefulness and temporary quality. The
depression you feel today will not be with you in a week, and you can
ride it out. If possible, find ways to elevate your energy level, which will
physically help lift you out of the mood. The best way to handle
recurrent depression is to channel your energies into work, especially
the arts. You are used to withdrawing and being alone; use such time
to tap into your unconscious. Externalize your unusual sensitivity and
your dark feelings into the work itself.
Never try to lift up depressive people by preaching to them about
the wonderfulness of life. Instead, it is best to go along with their
gloomy opinion of the world while subtly drawing them into positive
experiences that can elevate their moods and energy without any direct
appeal.