The 50th Law (with 50 Cent)

The Subtle-Superiority Strategy: A friend, colleague, or
employee is chronically late, but he or she always has a ready excuse
that is logical, along with an apology that seems sincere. Or similarly,
such individuals forget about meetings, important dates, and
deadlines, always with impeccable excuses at hand. If this behavior
repeats often enough, your irritation will increase, but if you try to
confront them, they very well might try to turn the tables by making
you seem uptight and unsympathetic. It is not their fault, they say—
they have too much on their mind, people are pressuring them, they
are temperamental artists who can’t keep on top of so many irritating
details, they are overwhelmed. They may even accuse you of adding to
their stress.
You must understand that at the root of this is the need to make it
clear to themselves and to you that they are in some way superior. If

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they were to say in so many words that they felt superior to you, they
would incur ridicule and shame. They want you to feel it in subtle
ways, while they are able to deny what they are up to. Putting you in
the inferior position is a form of control, in which they get to define the
relationship. You must pay attention to the pattern more than the
apologies, but also notice the nonverbal signs as they excuse
themselves. The tone of the voice is whiny, as if they really feel it is
your problem. The apologies are laid on extra thick to disguise the lack
of sincerity; in the end, such excuses communicate more about their
problems in life than about the facts of their forgetfulness. They are
not really sorry.
If this is chronic behavior, you must not get angry or display overt
irritation—passive aggressors thrive on getting a rise out of you.
Instead, stay calm and subtly mirror their behavior, calling attention to
what they are doing, and inducing some shame if possible. You might
make dates or appointments and leave them in the lurch, or show up
impossibly late with the sincerest of apologies, laced with a touch of
irony. Let them brood on what this might mean.
Earlier on in his career, when the renowned psychotherapist Milton
Erickson was a medical professor at a university, he had to deal with a
very smart student named Anne, who always showed up late to classes,
then apologized profusely and very sincerely. She happened to be a
straight-A student. She always promised to be on time for the next
class but never was. This made it difficult for her fellow students; she
frequently held up lectures or laboratory work. And on the first day of
one of Erickson’s lecture classes she was up to her old tricks, but
Erickson was prepared. When she entered late, he had the entire class
stand up and bow down to her in mock reverence; he did the same.
Even after class, as she walked down the hall, the students continued
their bowing. The message was clear—“We see through you”—and
feeling embarrassed and ashamed, she stopped showing up late.
If you are dealing with a boss or someone in a position of power
who makes you wait, their assertion of superiority is not so subtle. The
best you can do is keep as calm as possible, showing your own form of
superiority by remaining patient and cool.