The 50th Law (with 50 Cent)

The Blame-Shifter Strategy: With certain people, you feel
irritated and upset by something they have done. Perhaps you have felt
used by them, or they’ve been insensitive or ignored your pleas to stop
behavior that is unpleasant. Even before you express your annoyance,
they seem to have picked up your mood, and you can detect some
sulking on their part. And when you do confront them, they grow
silent, wearing a hurt or disappointed look. It is not the silence of
someone with remorse. They may respond with a “Fine. Whatever. If
that’s how you feel.” Any apologies on their part are said in a way
(through tone of voice or facial expressions) that subtly conveys some
disbelief that they have done anything wrong.
If they are really clever, in response they might conjure up
something you’ve said or done in the past, which you’ve forgotten but
which still rankles them, as if you are not so innocent. It doesn’t sound
like something you’ve said or done, but you can’t be sure. Perhaps they
will say something in their defense that pushes your buttons, and as
you get angry, they can now accuse you of being hostile, aggressive,
and unfair.
Whatever their type of response, you are left with the feeling that
perhaps you were wrong all along. Maybe you overreacted or were
paranoid. You might even slightly doubt your sanity—you know you
felt upset, but maybe you can’t trust your own feelings. Now you are
the one to feel guilty, as if you were to blame for the tension. Better to
reassess yourself and not repeat this unpleasant experience, you tell
yourself. As an adjunct to this strategy, passive aggressors are often
quite nice and polite to other people, only playing their games on you,
since you are the one they want to control. If you try to confide in

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people your confusion and anger, you get no sympathy, and the blame
shifting has double the effect.
This strategy is a way of covering up all kinds of unpleasant
behavior, of deflecting any kind of criticism, and of making people
skittish about ever calling them on what they are doing. In this way
they can gain power over your emotions and manipulate them as they
see fit, doing whatever they want with impunity. They are exploiting
the fact that many of us, since early childhood, are prone to feeling
guilty at the slightest impetus. This strategy is used most obviously in
personal relationships, but you will find it in more diffused form in the
work world. People will use their hypersensitivity to any criticism, and
the ensuing drama they stir up, to dissuade people from ever trying to
confront them.
To counter this strategy, you need to be able to see through the
blame shifting and remain unaffected by it. Your goal is not to make
them angry, so don’t get caught in the trap of exchanging
recriminations. They are better at this drama game than you are, and
they thrive by their power to rankle you. Be calm and even fair,
accepting some of the blame for the problem, if that seems right.
Realize that it is very difficult to get such types to reflect on their
behavior and change it; they are too hypersensitive for this.
What you want is to have the requisite distance to see through them
and to disengage. To help in this, you must learn to trust your past
feelings. In the moments they are irritating you, write down what they
are doing and memorialize their behavior. Perhaps in doing so, you
will realize that you are in fact overreacting. But if not, you can return
to these notes to convince yourself that you are not crazy and to stop
the blame-shifting mechanism in its tracks. If you don’t allow the
shifting to occur, they might be discouraged from using this strategy. If
not, it is best to lessen your involvement with such a passive aggressor.