The 50th Law (with 50 Cent)

Use their language:
The therapist Milton Erickson (see chapter 3)
described the following case that he had treated: A husband came to
him for advice, although he seemed quite set on doing what he wanted
anyway. He and his wife came from very religious families and had
married mostly to please their parents. The husband and wife were
very religious as well. Their honeymoon, however, had been a disaster.
They found sex very awkward and did not feel like they were in love.
The husband decided it was not anyone’s fault but that they should get
“a friendly divorce.” Erickson readily agreed with him and suggested

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exactly how to bring about this “friendly divorce.” He instructed him to
reserve a room at a hotel. They were to have one final “friendly” night
together before the divorce. They were also to have one last “friendly”
glass of champagne, one last “friendly” kiss between them, and so on.
These instructions virtually ensured the wife’s seduction by her
husband. As Erickson had hoped, the husband followed his
instructions, the couple had an exciting evening together, and they
happily decided to remain married.
Erickson intuited that the husband did not really want a divorce
and that the two of them felt awkward because of their religious
backgrounds. They were both deeply insecure about their physical
desires, yet resistant to any kind of change. Erickson used the
husband’s language and his desire for divorce but found a way to
gently redirect the energy toward something much different. When you
use people’s words back at them, it has a hypnotic effect. How can they
not follow what you suggest when it is exactly the words they have
used?
Use their rigidity:
A pawnbroker’s son once came to the great
eighteenth-century Zen master Hakuin with the following problem: he
wanted to get his father to practice Buddhism, but the man pretended
to be too busy with his bookkeeping to have time for even a single
chant or prayer. Hakuin knew the pawnbroker—he was an inveterate
miser who was only using this as an excuse to avoid religion, which he
considered a waste of time. Hakuin advised the boy to tell his father
that the Zen master himself would buy from him each prayer and
chant that he did on a daily basis. It was strictly a business deal.
Of course the pawnbroker was very happy with the deal—he could
shut his son up and make money in the process. Each day he presented
Hakuin with his bill for the prayers, and Hakuin duly paid him. But on
the seventh day he failed to show up. It seemed that he had gotten so
caught up in the chanting that he had forgotten to count how many
prayers he had done. A few days later he admitted to Hakuin he had
become completely taken up with the chants, felt so much better, and
did not need to be paid anymore. He soon became a very generous
donor to Hakuin’s temple.
When people are rigid in their opposition to something, it stems
from deep fear of change and the uncertainty it could bring. They must
have everything on their terms and feel in control. You play into their

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hands if you try with all your advice to encourage change—it gives
them something to react against and justifies their rigidity. They
become more stubborn. Stop fighting with such people and use the
actual nature of their rigid behavior to effect a gentle change that could
lead to something greater. On their own, they discover something new
(like the power of Buddhist prayer), and on their own they might take
this further, all set up by your judo maneuver.
Keep in mind the following: people often won’t do what others ask
them to do, because they simply want to assert their will. If you
heartily agree with their rebellion and tell them to keep on doing what
they’re doing, it now means that if they do so they are following your
advice, which is distasteful to them. They may very well rebel again
and assert their will in the opposite direction, which is what you
wanted all along—the essence of reverse psychology.