The Art Of Thinking In Systems: Improve Your Logic, Think More Critically, And Use Proven Systems To Solve Your Problems Strategic Planning For Everyday Life pdfdrive com

Chapter 10: Systems Thinking in Relationships
Now that we understand the basics of systems thinking, it is clear that
relationships, especially romantic ones, can’t be reduced to a simple cause and
effect analysis. What happens in our relationships is much more complex. Using
the knowledge we got from the previous chapters, I will help you analyze, and
hopefully solve, your problems for real, not just treat the symptoms.
While we have learned that there are times when cause and effect thinking is
helpful, when we’re dealing with relationships, it can have terrible results. In
relationships, when we think in terms of cause and effect, we will see something
that we don’t really like and look for a cause. It is all too easy to point the finger
at our significant other as being to blame when things don’t go the way we
would like. This can cause us to feel contempt for our loved one as we start
blaming them for being the root of our problems.
It is human nature to try to attribute multiple events to the same cause. It’s just
easier that way. We may wonder why our children don’t behave better, why we
struggle to make ends meet financially, and why our lives aren’t as carefree and
enjoyable as they used to be. Thankfully, if we change our cause and effect
thinking to systems thinking, we can overcome the tendency to look for victims
and villains.
We know in systems thinking that there is always more than one cause at play.
While event A may cause B, there is something that also caused A. Often, there
is a reinforcing feedback loop that might show us that B even did something to
contribute to causing A as well. Systems thinking isn’t easy, but the complex
thinking required can help us to better navigate our complex relationships. When

---

we arbitrarily assign blame to people or things, our felling of contempt for them
grows.
Dr. John Gottman, a professor emeritus in psychology who is renowned for his
research into marital stability and ability to predict future divorce with at least
90% accuracy, warns that contempt is one of the four emotions that relationships
can’t survive.