The Art Of Thinking In Systems: Improve Your Logic, Think More Critically, And Use Proven Systems To Solve Your Problems Strategic Planning For Everyday Life pdfdrive com

The four horsemen
Dr. Gottman uses the metaphor of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, who
symbolize the end of times in the New Testament, in his analysis of marriages
that are headed for divorce. The four horsemen represent conquest, war, hunger,
and death. In the case of relationships, Dr. Gottman uses the metaphor to
demonstrate the four communication styles he attributes to bringing about
divorce or the ending of relationships.
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The first horseman is criticism. Criticism goes beyond raising a concern,
offering a complaint, or giving a critique. It goes to the core of who your partner
is and often leaves them feeling attacked and rejected, leading to deeply hurt
feelings. If criticism grows in number and strength, it opens the door for the
other, even more problematic horsemen to enter.
The next horseman, according to Gottman, is contempt. Communicating with
contempt is mean-spirited and can leave the person on the receiving end feeling
unloved and unvalued. It may involve cruel sarcasm or mocking, and it is very
hurtful. Dr. Gottman believes contempt is the biggest factor in predicting
divorce, as it signals long-festering negative feelings that surface and cause one
member of the relationship to feel superior over the other, and it must be
eradicated.
The third horseman is defensiveness. We get defensive when we feel like we are
being unfairly attacked by our significant other. We come up with reasons and

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excuses to get them to back off. It often has the opposite effect than what we
intended, though, as the other party sees it as a dismissal of their concerns and a
way of shifting the blame to them. This only serves to further entrench the cycle
of negativity.
The last horseman is stonewalling. Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts
themselves off from the other, refusing to listen or engage in the interaction
anymore. This makes communication impossible. It is essential to get rid of
these four terrible communication styles and replace them with more positive
ones in order for our relationships to thrive.