The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Love belongs with belonging. One of the most surprising things that unfolded in my research is
the pairing of certain terms. I can’t separate the concepts of love and belonging because when people
spoke of one, they always talked about the other. The same holds true for the concepts of joy and
gratitude, which I’ll talk about it in a later chapter. When emotions or experiences are so tightly
woven together in people’s stories that they don’t speak of one without the other, it’s not an accidental
entanglement; it’s an intentional knot. Love belongs with belonging.
Of this, I am actually certain. After collecting thousands of stories, I’m willing to call this a fact: A
deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and children. We are
biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When
those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We
ache. We hurt others. We get sick. There are certainly other causes of illness, numbing, and hurt, but
the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering.

---

It took me three years to whittle these definitions and concepts from a decade of interviews. Let’s
take a look.
Love :
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them—we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.