The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Be l ong i ng :
Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to
it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.
One reason that it takes me so long to develop these concepts is that I often don’t want them to be
true. It would be different if I studied the effect of bird poop on potting soil, but this stuff is personal
and often painful. Sometimes, as I turned to the data to craft definitions like the ones above, I would
cry. I didn’t want my level of self-love to limit how much I can love my children or my husband.
Why? Because loving them and accepting their imperfections is much easier than turning that light of
loving-kindness on myself.
If you look at the definition of love and think about what it means in terms of self-love, it’s very
specific. Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect,
and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves. This is a tall order given how hard most of us are
on ourselves. I know I can talk to myself in ways that I would never consider talking to another
person. How many of us are quick to think, God, I’m so stupid and Man, I’m such an idiot? Just like
calling someone we love stupid or an idiot would be incongruent with practicing love, talking like
that to ourselves takes a serious toll on our self-love.
It’s worth noting that I use the words innate and primal in the definition of belonging. I’m
convinced that belonging is in our DNA, most likely connected to our most primitive survival
instinct. Given how difficult it is to cultivate self-acceptance in our perfectionist society and how our
need for belonging is hardwired, it’s no wonder that we spend our lives trying to fit in and gain
approval.
It’s so much easier to say, “I’ll be whoever or whatever you need me to be, as long as I feel like I’m
part of this.” From gangs to gossiping, we’ll do what it takes to fit in if we believe it will meet our
need for belonging. But it doesn’t. We can only belong when we offer our most authentic selves and
when we’re embraced for who we are.