The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

We are the most obese, medicated, addicted, and in-debt Americans EVER.
Why? We have more access to information, more books, and more good science—why are we
struggling like never before?
Because we don’t talk about the things that get in the way of doing what we know is best for us, our
children, our families, our organizations, and our communities.
I can know everything there is to know about eating healthy, but if it’s one of those days when Ellen
is struggling with a school project and Charlie’s home sick from school and I’m trying to make a
writing deadline and Homeland Security increased the threat level and our grass is dying and my
jeans don’t fit and the economy is tanking and the Internet is down and we’re out of poop bags for the
dog—forget it! All I want to do is snuff out the sizzling anxiety with a pumpkin muffin, a bag of
chips, and chocolate.
We don’t talk about what keeps us eating until we’re sick, busy beyond human scale, desperate to
numb and take the edge off, and full of so much anxiety and self-doubt that we can’t act on what we
know is best for us. We don’t talk about the hustle for worthiness that’s become such a part of our
lives that we don’t even realize that we’re dancing.
When I’m having one of those days that I just described, some of the anxiety is just a part of living,
but there are days when most of my anxiety grows out of the expectations I put on myself. I want
Ellen’s project to be amazing. I want to take care of Charlie without worrying about my own
deadlines. I want to show the world how great I am at balancing my family and career. I want our yard
to look beautiful. I want people to see us picking up our dog’s poop in biodegradable bags and think,
My God! They are such outstanding citizens. There are days when I can fight the urge to be everything
to everyone, and there are days when it gets the best of me.

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As we discussed in the
last chapter
, when we struggle to believe in our worthiness, we hustle for it.
The hustle for worthiness has its own soundtrack and for those of you who are my age and older, it’s
not the funky “Do the Hustle” from the ’70s. It’s the cacophony of shame tapes and gremlins—those
messages that fuel “never good enough.”
“What will people think?”
“You can’t really love yourself yet. You’re not ________________ enough.” (pretty, skinny,
successful, rich, talented, happy, smart, feminine, masculine, productive, nice, strong, tough,
caring,
popular, creative, well-liked, admired, contributing)
“No one can find out about _____________.”
“I’m going to pretend that everything is okay.”
“I can change to fit in if I have to!”
“Who do you think you are to put your thoughts/art/ideas/ beliefs/writing out in the world?”
“Taking care of them is more important than taking care of me.”
Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good
enough. If we want to develop shame resilience—the ability to recognize shame and move through it
while maintaining our worthiness and authenticity—then we have to talk about why shame happens.
Honest conversations about shame can change the way we live, love, parent, work, and build
relationships. I have more than one thousand letters and e-mails from readers of I Thought It Was Just
Me, my book on shame resilience, that all say the same thing: “I can’t believe how much talking about
shame changed my life!” (And I promise, even if you’re eating while you’re talking about shame,
you’ll be okay.)