Kids need a balanced diet of praise, because parents who
always hype it up (“You’re the
best boy in the world!”) may
end up with toddlers who either mistrust praise or need
constant applause to feel a sense of self-worth.
•
Praise the action you want to encourage … not the child.
When
you help with the dishes, would you rather hear “Thanks
for scrubbing the pots, that was really helpful” or “You’re my
best helper ever!”?
I recommend the first because, “You’re my best helper” may be
true one day but false the next (when your child refuses to help).
On
the other hand, “Scrubbing the pots really helped” is 100
percent true and it highlights
exactly the behavior you want.
•
Praise good tries. Cheer your child on when he tries, even if he
doesn’t quite succeed (“Good try pouring the milk!”). You’ll see
steady
progress, and he will feel like a success every step of the
way.
•
Don’t give praise … then yank it back. “Good. You picked up
your toys. Now, why did I have to nag you to do it?” Ugh!
Psychologists call this “praise spoiling,” and we all hate it. It’s
like
getting a gift, then having it yanked right back. It teaches
kids to never trust a compliment.
Time-Ins: Gossip
Gossip is one of my favorite ways to green-light good behavior.
What It Is:
Gossip means saying things out loud near your child, so
he overhears. It works so well because all of us (kids and adults) are
more likely to believe something if we
overhear it than if it’s
told directly
to us. Gossip makes your praise five times more effective. (And it makes
your words of criticism have five times more impact too.)
For example, if a friend says, “You look beautiful,” you might just
brush it off as a polite remark. But if you
accidentally overhear her
saying this to someone else, you’ll probably grin and take it to your
heart. (After all, you overheard it, so it wasn’t said to “butter you up.”)
Not only do we tend
to believe things we overhear, but when those
comments are
whispered—like a secret—we believe them even more.
Best Used For:
Toddlers once they have reached the age of 15 to 18
months. That’s when they begin to understand that people whisper when
they’re saying something extra important.
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