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Flash a “Red Light” on Bad Behaviors
Susan is at her wit’s end. Her 18-month-old, Shane, used
to be so easy. But now he gets furious when he can’t have
his way. “Lately Shane hits when he’s mad. Distraction
doesn’t work anymore. I don’t want to spank him, but
what should I do when he looks right at me … and
disobeys?”
If you’ve mastered the yellow-light techniques, but your primitive little
buddy is still plowing right through the limits, you must either fix the
problem that’s making your child so ornery (see avoiding problem
situations on
this page
) or back up your words with a clear negative
consequence: punishment.
Punishment is merely a negative response that tells a child when she
has crossed a boundary. In truth, it’s your responsibility to take control
of her behavior when she is unable (too upset or too mischievous) to
respect your rules. Remember, this is not something you are doing to
your child; she is the one who’s bringing the consequences upon herself.
Why Good Kids … Do Bad Things
It’s hard to be good all the time … even for adults! No wonder our little
tykes have days when their impulsive, primitive nature takes control and
makes them do things they shouldn’t. Here are some of the reasons why
good kids do bad things:
The Classical Roots of Discipline and
Punishment

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Punishment
Parents often find it eye-opening to discover that the word
“discipline” comes from the Latin verb discere, meaning “to learn,”
and the word “punish” comes from the ancient Greek word for
“payment” or “penalty.”
Some parenting experts say that discipline and punishment are
harsh and demeaning, that they consist of big people forcing their
will on small people. I understand their point. Too many adults try
to stop their child’s misbehavior in a rough and insulting way.
However, when done respectfully, discipline and punishment are a
positive experience for little children because they help them to
learn. They back up our limits with consistency and reassure our
kids that we’re in charge. In my experience, children who know that
their parents won’t allow their “wild side” to rule the family or put
them in danger grow up healthier and happier.
• Toddlers can’t explore without testing the rules. Your tot is
an ace explorer—persistent and gutsy. His job is to touch, bang,
and pull everything. That is annoying to you because it makes
him constantly push the limits. However, from his point of view,
you are irritating because you’re trying to stop his greatest joy—
discovery.
• Toddlers are impulsive. You can’t expect an 18-month-old, or
even a three-year-old, to use good judgment (like not eating
medicine, or holding hands in a parking lot). Toddlers live in the
“now,” and their immature brains don’t focus much on the
consequences.
• Our threats paint kids into a corner. Trying to force defiant
tykes to obey often backfires. Our pressure makes them feel
painted into a corner, unable to give in without feeling
humiliated. That’s why threats often trigger more defiance (and
hurt the relationship we work so hard to build), especially in
toddlers who are temperamentally challenging and stubborn to
begin with.
• Our limits are inconsistent and confusing. Mushy limits

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invite kids to push against them. (Your child thinks, Sometimes
this is allowed and sometimes not. Let’s see if I can do it now.) They
get especially confused when our limits make no sense … to
them: What? I love jumping on the sofa more than anything in the
world—and you want to stop me? Don’t you love me anymore?
• Our rules are unrealistic. Many toddlers act “bad” if our
expectations are too high. Would you demand good table
manners from a six-month-old? Of course not! Well, similarly,
it’s unrealistic to expect an 18-month-old to share, a two-year-
old to never lie, or a three-year-old to sit still in church.
• Toddlers are overexposed to aggression. Little kids love to
imitate, and that includes bad stuff like shouting and hitting.
Make it your job to protect your child from seeing violence on
TV, in your community, and between the members of your
family.
• Toddlers have too many stresses. Stress can turn a kind kid
into a cave-kid. When your child is acting up, ask yourself: Is my
child hungry? Bored? Tired? Overloaded with rules? Sick?
Teething? Surrounded by temptations? Cooped up? Wild from
something in his diet (cola/chocolate/iced
tea/sugar/decongestants)? Jealous? Are there extra stresses at
home (new baby, new sitter)?
• You’re giving too little play and attention. Busy parents
accidentally teach their little ones to be defiant or disrespectful
by ignoring them when they are good. Thomas Gordon in his
book Parent Effectiveness Training calls this the Law of the Soggy
Potato Chip (just as kids would rather have soggy potato chips
than none at all, toddlers would rather be yelled at than
ignored).
When your child is engaged in red-light behaviors, there are two “take-
charge” consequences you can use to put on the brakes: time-out and
giving a fine. Let’s look at each of them in detail….

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