13 Things Mentally Strong People Don\'t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success pdfdrive com

TROUBLESHOOTING AND COMMON TRAPS
Monitor the type of risks you’re taking and how you feel about those risks. Also,
take note about which opportunities you are passing up. This can help ensure
that you are taking the risks that could benefit you the most, even the kind that
cause some anxiety. Remember that calculating risks takes practice, but with
practice, you can learn and grow.
WHAT’S HELPFUL
Being aware of emotional reactions to risk taking
Identifying types of risks that are particularly challenging

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Recognizing irrational thoughts that influence your decision making
Educating yourself about the facts
Spending time calculating each risk before making a decision
Practicing taking risks and monitoring the results so you can learn from
each risk you take
WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL
Basing your decisions about risk on how you feel
Avoiding the types of risk that stir up the most fear
Allowing irrational thoughts to influence your willingness to try
something new
Ignoring the facts or not making an effort to learn more when you lack
the information you need to make the best choice
Reacting impulsively without taking time to weigh the risk
Refusing to take risks that cause you discomfort

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CHAPTER 7
THEY DON’T DWELL ON THE PAST
We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by
living fully in the present.
—MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
Gloria was a hardworking fifty-five-year-old woman who had been referred to
counseling after telling her doctor that she was feeling extremely stressed. Her
twenty-eight-year-old daughter had recently moved back in with her again. Since
moving out of Gloria’s home at eighteen she’d been back at least a dozen times.
She’d usually find a new boyfriend and within weeks, if not days, of meeting him,
she’d move in with him. But it never worked out and she’d always move back in
with Gloria.
Gloria’s daughter was unemployed and she wasn’t actively looking for work.
She spent her days watching TV and surfing the Internet. She couldn’t be
bothered to help out around the house, or even clean up after herself. Although
Gloria said she felt like she was offering hotel and maid services, she always
welcomed her daughter to stay with her.
She thought giving her daughter a place to stay was the least she could do.
She hadn’t given her daughter the childhood she most likely deserved, and she

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admitted she hadn’t been a very good mother. After she and her husband
divorced, Gloria had dated a lot of men, and many of them weren’t healthy role
models. Gloria now understood she’d invested too much energy into drinking
and dating rather than parenting. And she felt like the mistakes she made were
the reason her daughter was struggling so much now. It was clear from the start
that Gloria’s shame over the way she’d parented led her to enable her daughter
now that she was an adult. The majority of Gloria’s stress stemmed from her
anxiety over her daughter’s immature behavior. She worried about her
daughter’s future and she wanted her to be able to have a job and live
independently.
The more we talked, the more Gloria recognized that her shame and guilt
were interfering with her ability to be a good parent now. She had to forgive
herself and stop dwelling on the past if she wanted to move forward and do what
was best for her daughter. When I asked her to consider the likelihood that her
daughter would simply wake up one day and start behaving responsibly given
the current conditions, Gloria acknowledged that wasn’t going to happen but she
wasn’t sure what to do.
Over the next few weeks, we explored how Gloria viewed the past. Whenever
she thought about her daughter’s childhood, she’d think things like I am such a
bad person for not always putting my daughter’s needs first or It’s my fault my
daughter has so many problems. We explored her thoughts, and slowly but
surely, Gloria learned how her self-condemnation influenced the way she treated
her daughter in the present.
Gradually, Gloria began to accept the reality that while she wasn’t an idyllic
mother, punishing herself for that today would not change the past. She also
began to recognize that her current behavior toward her daughter wasn’t making
amends but instead enabling her daughter’s self-destructive behavior.
Armed with her new attitude, Gloria created some rules and set limits with her
daughter. She told her that she could only remain living in her home if she were
actively looking for work. She was willing to give her some time to get back on
her feet, but starting in two months, she’d need to pay rent if she were going to
continue living at home. Although her daughter was initially upset with Gloria’s
new rules, she began looking for work within a few days.
Within a few weeks Gloria entered my office to proudly announce that her

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daughter had a job and unlike some of the other jobs she’d had before, this one
could become a career. She said she’d seen huge changes in her daughter since
she was offered this job and she was talking a lot more about her future
aspirations. Although Gloria hadn’t yet completely forgiven herself for the past,
she recognized that the only thing worse than being a bad parent for eighteen
years would be to be a bad parent for another eighteen years.