13 Things Mentally Strong People Don\'t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success pdfdrive com

STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF
Remember the three-pronged approach to achieving mental strength? To
alleviate feelings of self-pity, you need to change your pitiful behavior and
forbid yourself from indulging in pitiful thoughts. For Jack, this meant that he
couldn’t spend all his time at home playing video games and watching TV. He
needed to be around other kids his age and return to some of his previous
activities that he was still able to do, like go to school. His parents also changed
their thinking and began to view Jack as a survivor rather than a victim. Once
they changed their thoughts about their son and the accident, they were able to
exchange self-pity with gratitude.
BEHAVE IN A MANNER THAT MAKES IT HARD TO FEEL
SORRY FOR YOURSELF
Four months after Lincoln died, his family and I were facing what should have
been his twenty-seventh birthday. I had been dreading that day for weeks
because I had no idea how we’d pass the time. My cartoon bubble pictured us

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sitting around in a circle sharing a box of Kleenex and talking about how unfair
it was that he never reached his twenty-seventh birthday.
When I finally worked up the courage to ask my mother-in-law how she
planned to spend the day, without missing a beat she said, “What do you think
about skydiving?” The best part was, she was serious. And, I had to admit,
jumping out of a perfectly good airplane did seem like a much better idea than
the pity party I’d imagined. It felt like the perfect way to honor Lincoln’s
adventurous spirit. He’d always enjoyed meeting new people, going new places,
and experiencing new things. It wasn’t unusual for him to head off on a
spontaneous weekend trip, even if it meant he’d be flying the red-eye home and
would have to go to work as soon as he stepped off the overnight flight. He’d say
that one day of feeling tired at work was well worth the memories we’d created.
Skydiving was something Lincoln would have loved to do so it seemed like an
appropriate way to celebrate his life.
It’s impossible to feel sorry for yourself when you’re jumping out of an
airplane—unless of course, you don’t have a parachute. Not only did we have a
great time, but our skydiving experience led to an annual tradition. Every year
on Lincoln’s birthday, we choose to celebrate his love of life and adventure. It’s
led to some interesting experiences—from swimming with sharks to riding
mules into the Grand Canyon. We’ve even taken flying trapeze lessons.
Each year, the whole family becomes involved in Lincoln’s birthday
adventure. Some years, Lincoln’s grandmother watches from the sidelines with
her camera, but two years ago, at the age of eighty-eight, she was first in line to
go ziplining high above the trees. Even though I’m remarried, it’s a tradition
we’ve continued, and my husband, Steve, even participates with us. It’s become
a day we actually look forward to each year.
Our choice to spend the day doing something enjoyable isn’t about ignoring
our grief or masking our sadness. It’s about making a conscious choice to
celebrate life’s gifts and refusing to behave in a pitiful manner. Instead of pitying
ourselves for what we lost, we choose to feel grateful for what we had.
When you notice self-pity creeping into your life, make a conscious effort to
do something contrary to how you feel. You don’t have to jump out of a plane to
ward off feelings of self-pity. Sometimes, small behavioral changes can make a
big difference. Here are some examples:

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• Volunteer to help a worthy cause. It will take your mind off your problems
and you can feel good that you’ve helped support someone else. It’s hard to
feel sorry for yourself when you’re serving hungry people in a soup kitchen
or spending time with elderly residents in a nursing home.
• Perform a random act of kindness. Whether you mow the neighbor’s lawn or
donate pet food to a local animal shelter, doing a good deed can help bring
more meaning to your day.
• Do something active. Physical or mental activity will help you focus on
something other than your misfortune. Exercise, sign up for a class, read a
book, or learn a new hobby, and your behavior change can help shift your
attitude.
The key to changing your feelings is finding which behaviors will extinguish
your feelings of self-pity. Sometimes it’s a process of trial and error because the
same behavioral change won’t work for everyone. If what you’re doing now
isn’t working, try something new. If you never take a step in the right direction,
you’ll stay right where you are.
REPLACE THOUGHTS THAT ENCOURAGE SELF-PITY
I once witnessed a fender bender in a grocery store parking lot. Two cars were
backing up at the same time and their rear bumpers collided. The collision
appeared to cause only minor damage to each vehicle.
I watched as one driver jumped out of his vehicle and said, “Just what I
needed. Why do these things always happen to me? As if I didn’t already have
enough to deal with today!”
Meanwhile, the other driver stepped out of his vehicle shaking his head. In a
very calm voice he said, “Wow, we’re so lucky that no one got hurt. What a great
day it is when you can get into an accident and walk away from it without a
single injury.”
Both men experienced the exact same event. However, their perception of the
event was completely different. One man viewed himself as a victim of horrible
circumstance while the other man viewed the event as good fortune. Their

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reaction was all about their differences in perception.
You can view the events that happen in your life in many different ways. If
you choose to view circumstances in a way that says, “I deserve better,” you’ll
feel self-pity often. If you choose to look for the silver lining, even in a bad
situation, you’ll experience joy and happiness much more often.
Almost every situation has a silver lining. Ask any kid what the best part
about having divorced parents is and most of them will say, “I get more presents
at Christmas!” Obviously, there isn’t much good that arises from divorce, but
getting twice as many presents is one small aspect of divorce that some kids
rather enjoy.
Reframing the way you look at a situation isn’t always easy, especially when
you’re feeling like the host of your own pity party. Asking yourself the following
questions can help change your negative thoughts into more realistic thoughts:
• What’s another way I could view my situation? This is where the “glass half
empty or glass half full” thinking comes in. If you’re looking at it from the
glass-half-empty angle, take a moment to think about how someone looking
from a glass-half-full perspective might view the same situation.
• What advice would I give to a loved one who had this problem? Often, we’re
better at handing out words of encouragement to other people rather than to
ourselves. It’s unlikely you’d say to someone else, “You’ve got the worst life
ever. Nothing ever goes right.” Instead, you’d hopefully offer some kind
words of assistance such as, “You’ll figure out what to do, and you’ll make it
through this. I know you will.” Take your own words of wisdom and apply
them to your situation.
• What evidence do I have that I can get through this? Feeling sorry for
ourselves often stems from a lack of confidence in our ability to handle
problems. We tend to think that we’ll never get through something. Remind
yourself of times when you’ve solved problems and coped with tragedy in
the past. Reviewing your skills, support systems, and past experiences can
give you an extra boost of confidence that will help you stop feeling sorry for
yourself.

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The more you indulge in thoughts that willfully delude yourself about your
situation, the worse you’ll feel.
Common thoughts that lead to feelings of self-pity include things such as:
• I can’t handle one more problem.
• Good things always happen to everyone else.
• Bad things always happen to me.
• My life just gets worse all the time.
• No one else has to deal with this stuff.
• I just can’t catch a break.
You can choose to catch your negative thoughts before they spiral out of
control. Though replacing overly negative thoughts with more realistic ones
takes practice and hard work, it’s very effective in decreasing feelings of self-
pity.
If you think, Bad things always happen to me, create a list of good things that
have happened to you as well. Then, replace your original thought with
something more realistic like, Some bad things happen to me, but plenty of good
things happen to me as well. This doesn’t mean you should turn something
negative into an unrealistically positive affirmation. Instead, strive to find a
realistic way to look at your situation.