13 Things Mentally Strong People Don\'t Do: Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success pdfdrive com

to go home. She was afraid she’d have to hear a lecture from Jackie about how
she shouldn’t have left. It was at that point Lauren knew she had to get help or
her marriage might be in jeopardy.
Lauren initially sought counseling to learn anger management skills to help
her respond less angrily to her mother-in-law’s comments. However, after a few
therapy sessions, she was able to see that she needed to work on being more
proactive in preventing problems, not just less reactive toward Jackie’s
comments.
I asked Lauren to complete a pie chart that showed how much time and energy
she focused on various areas of her life, such as work, sleep, leisure, family, and
time with her mother-in-law. I then asked her to complete a second pie chart that
showed how many hours she physically spent doing each activity. When she was
done with the second pie chart, she was surprised to see how much her time and
energy were out of proportion. Although she only physically spent about five
hours a week with her mother-in-law, she was devoting at least an additional
five hours thinking and talking about her disdain for her. This exercise helped
her see how she was giving her mother-in-law power over many areas of her life.
When she could have devoted her energy to nurturing her relationship with her
husband or caring for her children, she was often thinking about how much she
disliked Jackie.
Once Lauren recognized how much power she was giving Jackie, she chose to

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start making some changes. She worked with her husband on setting healthy
boundaries for their family. Together, they established rules that would help them
limit the influence Jackie had on their family. They told Jackie that she could no
longer make unannounced visits several times per week. Instead, they would
invite her over for dinner when they wanted to visit with her. They also informed
her that she could no longer undermine Lauren’s authority as a mother, and if
she did, she’d be asked to leave. Lauren also chose to stop complaining about
Jackie. She recognized that venting to her friends and her husband only fueled
her frustration and wasted her time and energy.
Slowly, but surely, Lauren began to feel like she was getting her life and her
house back. She no longer dreaded Jackie’s visits once she recognized she didn’t
have to tolerate rude or disrespectful behavior in her home. Instead, she could
control what went on under her own roof.
EMPOWERING OTHER PEOPLE TO HAVE POWER OVER YOU
Giving other people the power to control how you think, feel, and behave makes
it impossible to be mentally strong. Do any of the points below sound familiar?
You feel deeply offended by any criticism or negative feedback you receive,
regardless of the source.
Other people have the ability to make you feel so angry that you say and do
things you later regret.
You’ve changed your goals based on what other people have told you that
you should be doing with your life.
The type of day you’re going to have depends on how other people behave.
When other people try to guilt you into doing something, you reluctantly do
it, even if you don’t want to.
You work hard to ensure other people see you in a positive light because
much of your self-worth depends on how others perceive you.

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You spend a lot of time complaining about people and circumstances that
you don’t like.
You often complain about all the things you “have to” do in life.
You go to great lengths to avoid uncomfortable emotions, like
embarrassment or sadness.
You have difficulty setting boundaries, but then feel resentful toward people
who take up your time and energy.
You hold a grudge when someone offends you or hurts you.
Can you see yourself in any of the above examples? Retaining your power is
about being confident in who you are and the choices you make, despite the
people around you and the circumstances you’re in.
WHY WE GIVE AWAY OUR POWER
Lauren was clear that she really wanted to be a nice person, and she thought that
being a good wife meant tolerating her mother-in-law at all costs. She felt it
would be disrespectful to ask her mother-in-law not to come over and she was
hesitant to speak up when her feelings were hurt. She’d been raised to “turn the
other cheek” when someone treated her poorly. But with help, she was able to
see that setting healthy boundaries wasn’t being mean or disrespectful. Instead,
setting limits on what was allowed in her own home was healthy for her family
and less taxing on her mental strength.
Anytime you don’t set healthy emotional and physical boundaries for yourself,
you risk giving away your power to other people. Perhaps you don’t dare say no
when your neighbor asks for a favor. Or maybe you dread receiving a phone call
from a friend who constantly complains, but you continue to pick up on the first
ring. Each time you avoid saying no to something you really don’t want, you
give away your power. If you don’t make any attempt to get your needs met,
you’ll give people permission to take things away from you.

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A lack of emotional boundaries can be equally problematic. If you don’t like
the way someone treats you, yet you don’t stand up for yourself, you give that
person power over your life.
THE PROBLEM WITH GIVING AWAY
YOUR POWER
Lauren allowed her mother-in-law to control what sort of an evening she was
going to have. If Jackie showed up, Lauren felt angry and bitter about the fact
that she wasn’t getting to spend quality time with her children. On the days
Jackie didn’t come to her home, Lauren felt much more relaxed. She allowed
Jackie’s behavior to interfere with her relationship with her children, as well as
her marriage.
Instead of spending her spare time talking to her husband and her friends
about enjoyable subjects, she wasted her energy complaining about Jackie. She
even found herself sometimes volunteering to work late because she wasn’t
excited about going home when she knew Jackie was going to be there. The
longer she gave her power to Jackie, the more helpless she became about fixing
it.
There are many problems with giving away your power:
• You depend on others to regulate your feelings. When you give away your
power, you become completely dependent upon other people and external
circumstances to regulate your emotions. Life often becomes like a roller
coaster—when things are going well, you’ll feel good; but when your
circumstances change, your thoughts, feelings, and behavior will shift.
• You let other people define your self-worth. If you give others the power to
determine your self-worth, you’ll never feel worthy enough. You’ll only be
as good as someone else’s opinion of you and you will never be able to
receive enough praise or positive feedback to meet your needs if you depend
on others to feel good about yourself.

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• You avoid addressing the real problem. Giving away your power lends itself
to helplessness. Rather than focus on what you can do to improve the
situation, you’ll find an excuse to justify your problems.
• You become a victim of your circumstances. You’ll become a passenger in
your own life rather than a driver. You’ll say other people make you feel bad
or force you to behave in a manner you don’t like. You’ll blame others
instead of accepting responsibility for your choices.
• You become highly sensitive to criticism. You’ll lack the ability to evaluate
criticism. Instead, you’ll take anything anyone says to heart. You’ll give
much more power to other people’s words than those words deserve.
• You lose sight of your goals. You won’t be able to build the kind of life you
want when you allow other people to be in control of your goals. You can’t
work toward your goals successfully when you give other people the power
to get in your way and interfere with your progress.
• You ruin relationships. If you don’t speak up when people hurt your feelings
or you allow them to infringe on your life in an unwelcomed manner, you’ll
likely grow resentful toward them.