A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

Adult (Refined Empathy): You’re worried that the 
movie might be too scary for you. 

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Plan B 
101 
Child: I’m not doing my homework. 
Adult (Initial Empathy): You’re not doing your 
homework. What’s up? 
Child: It’s too hard for me. 
Adult (Refined Empathy): It’s too hard for you. 
Along these lines, it’s a good idea to use low-risk empa-
thy rather than jump to conclusions about what the child 
is trying to say. For example, if a child says, “I want pizza,” 
low-risk empathy and clarifying would be, “You want 
pizza. What’s up?” But a lot of people might respond to “I 
want pizza” with “You must be hungry.” While the odds 
are pretty good that you’re correct in making that assump-
tion, there exists the possibility that you’re wrong. For ex-
ample, the child may not be hungry; he may, for example, 
be a black-and-white thinker who was promised pizza 
earlier in the day. Why would this be a problem? Because 
he may not have the wherewithal to correct you, in which 
case your well-intentioned stab at empathy could actually 
precipitate an explosion. Low-risk empathy is typically a 
safer bet. 
By the way, after about a week of reflective listening, 
adolescents in particular are likely to ask, “Why are you 
saying everything I just said?” or “You sound like a psy-
chologist.” If an adolescent (or child) objects to the re-
flective listening form of empathy, a simple “I hear ya” 
will usually suffice instead. 

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102 
The Explosive Child 
Sometimes empathy alone isn’t completely sufficient 
for keeping the child calm. He might need some reassur-
ance as well. Reassurance about what? Reassurance that 
you’re not using Plan A. You see, it’s a pretty safe bet he’s 
had a lot more Plan A in his life than Plan B, so he’s prob-
ably still betting on the Plan A horse. Which means that, 
early in your attempts to use Plan A, he may still get 
heated up because he’s not yet accustomed to your trying 
to collaborate with him to solve problems. So he’s going to 
need some reassurance on that count. But since he doesn’t 
know what Plan A is, you can’t say, “I’m not using Plan A.” 
Instead, you should say something like, “I’m not saying you 
have to” or “I’m not saying no.” Of course, you’re not say-
ing “yes,” either. Empathy is neither “yes” nor “no.” It’s nei-
ther agreeing nor disagreeing. It simply keeps the child 
(and you) calm and gets his concern on the table. So here’s 
the whole empathy step, from start to finish: