A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

Adult (Empathy): I know that your medicine has 
been making you sick to your stomach and that 
you’re not too happy about that. 
Child: Yeah. 
Adult (Define the Problem): I’m not too happy about 
it either. The thing is, I’m a little worried about 
what will happen if we just yank you off the meds 
without talking to Dr. Lazarus. Plus, the medicine 
seems to be helping you control your temper a 
little better. 
Adult (Empathy): We were thinking of going to
the movies this afternoon and I know that 
sometimes you don’t want to go because
you’re worried that there will be scary
parts. 
Child: I don’t like scary movies. 
Adult (Reassurance and Define the Problem): I know, 
and I’m not saying you have to go to a scary 
movie. The thing is, your brother is really looking 
forward to going to the movies and I can’t send 
him to the movies alone. 

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106 
The Explosive Child 
Adult (Empathy, with an attempt to clarify): I’ve 
noticed that homework has been a struggle 
lately. But I don’t think I understand why that is. 
What’s up with the homework? 
Child: It’s too hard for me. 
Adult (Refined Empathy, with another attempt to 
clarify): It’s too hard for you. Is there a certain part 
that’s hard for you? 
Child: The writing part. At school they don’t make 
me do as much writing as you do. 
Adult (Refined Empathy): Ah, the writing part is hard 
for you and I make you do more writing than they 
do at school. 
Child: Yeah. 
Adult (Define the Problem): I didn’t know they don’t 
make you write as much at school. I guess I’m just 
concerned that if you don’t practice the writing, 
then it will always be really hard for you. 
You’ve got two concerns on the table. No turning 
back now. 
Invitation 
The third step of Plan B entails having the child and 
adult brainstorm potential solutions to the problem that 
has now been defined by their respective concerns. This 

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Plan B 
107 
step is called the invitation because the adult is actually 
inviting the child to solve the problem collaboratively by 
saying something like, “Let’s think about how we can 
solve this problem” or “Let’s think about how we can 
work that out.” The Invitation lets the child know that 
solving the problem is something you’re doing with 
him—in other words, together—rather than to him. 
After the child has been invited to solve the problem 
collaboratively, he is then given first crack at generating a 
solution (“Do you have any ideas?”). This doesn’t mean 
the burden for solving the problem has been placed upon the 
child. But it is good strategy, especially for children who 
are accustomed to having parental will imposed upon 
them. The burden for solving the problem is placed upon 
the Problem Solving Team: your child and you. 
Many parents, in their eagerness to solve the problem, 
forget the Invitation. This means that, just as they are at 
the precipice of actually collaborating with their child, 
they impose their will. You see, somewhere between 
childhood and adulthood, many people arrived at the 
conclusion that the only person capable of coming up 
with a good solution to a problem is the adult. Where 
does that very unfortunate notion come from? Predeces-
sors. While there is some chance that your child won’t be 
able to think of any solutions (an issue discussed in 
greater detail in Chapter 8), there’s actually an outstand-
ing chance your child can think of good solutions—ones 
that will take your combined concerns into account— 

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108 
The Explosive Child 
and has been waiting (not so patiently) for you to give 
him the chance. So, as it relates to solving problems with 
your child, here’s an important theme: Don’t be a genius. 
You’d think that most adults would breathe a sigh of 
relief at the news that they no longer need to come up 
with an immediate, ingenious solution to a problem. In 
truth, it takes some folks some getting used to. Most dif-
ficult problems don’t get solved in a nanosecond. Most 
difficult problems that get solved in a nanosecond aren’t 
durably solved anyway. Solving a difficult problem 
durably requires reflection, consideration, time, and a 
willingness to let the process of exploring solutions un-
fold without premature interruption. If you’re thinking 
that Plan B discussions can sometimes take a long time, 
you’re right. But explosions take much longer. 
A few more important themes before we practice. 
Many adults begin Plan B discussions with very strong 
notions about how a problem will be solved. It’s not ter-
rible to have some ideas about how a problem can be 
solved, so long as you remember that Plan B is not 
“tricky” Plan A. When you use Plan B, you do so with the 
understanding that the solution is not predetermined. 
One father who had failed to remember this once said, “I 
don’t use Plan B unless I already know how the problem 
is going to be solved.” If you already know how the prob-
lem is going to be solved before the discussion takes 
place, then you’re not using Plan B—you’re using Plan A. 
What’s the definition of an ingenious solution? Any 

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Plan B 
109 
solution that is doable (by both parties), realistic, and mu-
tually satisfactory. If a solution isn’t doable, realistic, and 
mutually satisfactory, the problem isn’t solved yet and 
the Problem Solving Team is still working on it. 
Some kids’ first stab at a solution is to simply repeat 
what they wanted in the first place (for example, “I’m not 
going to the movies”). This is usually a sign that the child 
is not yet very good at generating solutions that are mu-
tually satisfactory. But if you want him to be thinking 
rather than exploding about problems, the last thing 
you’d want to do is tell him he’s come up with a bad 
idea. Instead, simply remind him that the goal is to come 
up with a solution that works for both of you, perhaps by 
saying, “Well, that’s an idea. But that solution would 
make you happy—because then you wouldn’t have to 
worry about being scared—but it probably wouldn’t 
make your brother happy, since he really wants to go to 
the movies. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea that 
will make us all happy.” In other words, there’s no such 
thing as a bad solution—only solutions that aren’t realis-
tic, doable, or mutually satisfactory. 
By the way, the mutually satisfactory part should be of 
great comfort to adults who feared that, in using Plan B, 
their concerns would not be addressed. If a solution is 
mutually satisfactory, then by definition your concerns 
have been addressed. So if you were thinking that Plan A 
is the only mechanism by which adults can set limits, 
you were mistaken. The definition of limit setting is en-

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110 
The Explosive Child 
suring that your concerns are addressed. Thus, you’re set-
ting limits when using Plan B as well. Of course, the mu-
tually satisfactory part also has a calming effect on 
explosive children, who had become accustomed to ex-
ploding when their concerns were blown off the table by 
adults using Plan A. If your concerns are being addressed 
with Plan B—without causing your child to explode— 
then why do you still need Plan A? Maybe you don’t. 
The doable and realistic parts are important, too. Plan 
B isn’t an exercise in wishful thinking. If you can’t do the 
solution that’s being agreed to, then don’t agree to it just 
to end the conversation. That’s called “explosion de-
ferred” but not “problem solved.” Likewise, if you don’t 
think your child can do the solution that’s being agreed 
to, then don’t agree to it just to end the conversation. 
You’re the surrogate frontal lobe—make sure he takes a 
moment to consider whether he can actually do what 
he’s agreeing to do. (“You sure you can do that? Let’s 
make sure we come up with a solution we can both do.”) 
Let’s see how the three steps would look all together 
(using Proactive Plan B), assuming that things are going 
really smoothly (we’ll get to problems people encounter 
in using Plan B soon enough):