A new Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated

For how long should I do Plan B? How much progress 
should I expect from my child, and how fast? 
For how long should you do Plan B? Well, let’s think 
about what you’re doing. You’re solving problems collabora-
tively with your child so you guys don’t fight about those 
problems anymore. You’re communicating with your child. 
You’re improving your relationship. You’re letting him 
know that you’re not the only one with good ideas about 
how to solve problems, that he has good ideas, too. You’re 
teaching him that his concerns are valid. Now why would 
you want to stop doing all that, even if he’s not exploding 
anymore? 
A lot of parents begin to use the approach described in 
this book thinking that eventually they’ll be able to get 
back to Plan A again. In reality, as parents and children get 
better at Plan B and as their relationship improves, the im-
portance of Plan A actually diminishes. Over time most 
parents don’t miss Plan A, and they definitely don’t long for 
the “good old days.” 
Children and parents vary widely in terms of how 
quickly they respond to this approach. The first goal is to 
take the fuel out of the fire as quickly as possible by dra-
matically decreasing the use of Plan A and dramatically in-
creasing the use of Plans B and C. This shift in the way 
parents respond to and communicate with their child 
should correspond with a decrease in the frequency, dura-

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Learning Curves 
159 
tion, and intensity of explosions. And, of course, an in-
crease in the use of Plan B also means that numerous 
triggers—problems that have yet to be solved—are getting 
solved. Some families are able to achieve this in a few 
weeks, some take several months, and others take longer 
still. Some children continue to have occasional, residual 
unsafe episodes for a few months, but such episodes are 
often far less intense and fizzle out a lot faster. As you’ll 
read in the next chapter, once this phase has been reached, 
the stage is set for more direct work on your child’s path-
ways.