A prep course for the month-long World Cup soccer tournament, a worldwide pheno

ther . White people , especially , often have little contact with black culture 

, and can be swayed by characterizations of black people on television , Steinma

n said . However , the fact that people of different races may be attracted to d

ifferent programs willn't necessarily harm society , said Esther Bush , presiden

t and chief executive officer of the Urban League of Greater Hartford . `` I don

't think it divides us more . For African-Americans , it makes sense that we 're

 watching shows that have us in them , '' Bush said . ( Begin optional trim ) Th

ere are similar racial divergences in musical and reading preferences , said Wil

liam A . Edwards , chairman of the sociology department at the University of San

 Francisco . They often reflect different cultural upbringings and interests , w

hich also can be found when examining preferences based on education or income ,

 he said . Sanford Cloud Jr. , president of The National Conference ( formerly N

ational Conference of Christians and Jews ) , said the growing number of program

s featuring black characters is good , because it provides an opportunity to sho

w a greater range of black culture and experiences . `` If there 's only one pro

gram on , that 's what Americans believe those people are like , '' said Cloud .

 Still , the content of shows must be analyzed , Cloud said , and there are trou

bling signs that television doesn't show the full range . For example , black st

ars are featured almost exclusively on comedy programs . Filmmaker Spike Lee rec

ently criticized such depictions as a return to minstrel shows , while Charles D

utton , the star of Fox 's critically praised `` Roc , '' has complained that th

e networks do not support serious shows featuring African-American characters . 

Programs featuring black characters often receive greater scrutiny . For example

 , `` The Cosby Show '' on NBC received great ratings and reviews , but was knoc

ked by some for offering a sanitized vision of African-American life . The mista

ke , Bush and others said , is when viewers look to entertainment programs for d

epictions of real life , especially if they rely on few other information source

s . `` TV doesn't depict anyone 's family '' realistically , no matter the race 

, said Robert Gluck , vice president and general manager of WTIC-TV , the Fox af

filiate in Hartford , Conn. . Steinman said the white audience , because of its 

much larger size , always must be taken into consideration by programmers , but 

that the reverse is not true . For that reason , presentations of African-Americ

ans that do not square with white perceptions can have difficulty getting on the

 air , he said . Crossover programs , those that feature both blacks and whites 

in prominent roles , generally have not performed well in the ratings and are ra

rely seen on television . One exception is the hourlong CBS drama , `` In the He

at of the Night . '' Some programs , such as `` Dave 's World '' on CBS , featur

e a black character , but `` he is basically a visitor '' on what is perceived t

o be a white show , Alligood said . `` What real-life image portrayal there is (

 on television ) is that we live in separate communities and live separate lives

 , '' Cloud said . `` If producers showed more mixing , it might make us mix mor

e . '' Michael Brown , professor of recreation and leisure studies at Old Domini

on University in Norfolk , Va. , said that airing a show with an all-black cast 

follows a common marketing practice of targeting groups according to shared char

acteristics , such as age , sex or income . The plus is that the networks realiz

e they must serve the black audience , which watches a lot of television . The s

ame situation should eventually come true for other minority groups , Brown said

 . By marketing to specific groups , however , `` they don't feel like developin

g a multiculturally diverse show , '' he said . Brown sees the popularity of sho

ws featuring all-black casts as partly a reaction against programming in the 197

0s and early 1980s , when black people started being featured more regularly , b

ut often within a white cultural environment . An obvious example of that phenom

enon was `` Diff ' rent Strokes , '' a show in which a rich white man adopts two

 poor black boys . According to the BBDO ratings survey , there is not a wide pr

eference gap between races for some programs , such as CBS 's `` 60 Minutes , ''

 ABC 's `` Home Improvement '' or `` Roseanne '' or NBC 's `` The Fresh Prince o

f Bel Air . '' ( End optional trim ) Alligood , who wrote the BBDO report , said

 racial differences in viewing habits are far less pronounced for certain age gr

oups . According to the BBDO survey , the top-20 lists of black and non-black yo

uths between the ages of 12 and 17 share 10 programs . `` When it comes to telev

ision , racial differences are secondary to generational differences , '' he sai

d . While those interviewed believe that television should do a better job in ed

ucating the public about different races and cultures , they said viewers also h

ave a responsibility to find ways to learn about others . `` If we learn about e

ach other from television , we 're in a lot of trouble , '' Alligood said .

 Lately , more voices are being raised in favor of staying together for the sake

 of the children . The notion of a `` good divorce '' when children are involved

 seems a selfish rationalization left over from the human potential movement of 

the '60s . Yet , as the average length of marriage has dropped to six years and 

serial monogamy becomes more popular , many individuals and some jurisdictions a

re pursuing a '90s definition of the good divorce also for the sake of the child

ren . Like many divorced parents , Geoff , now 35 , and Barbara Lipscomb , 37 , 

couldn't see past their own emotions in the beginning . Married for five years ,

 they separated three years ago . At the time , their son , Colin , was only 2 .

 `` It was bitter and angry in the beginning , '' recalled Barbara , who had pla

nned a future for herself as a stay-at-home mom . `` I was angry he left and sho

cked , rejected and hurt . '' There were practical things to take care of : lawy

ers , moving , a new preschool , a new job , new child-care arrangements . And t

here was Colin . `` I think it 's heartbreaking for the child . The hardest part

 was to hear him say , ` I wish you and me and Daddy all lived together. ' ' ' I

t took nine months before she would even agree to talk with Geoff . With the hel

p of a court-appointed mediator , they ironed out custody and visitation disagre

ements and now talk about their son 's needs and development at least three time

s a week . They attend school events together . They say they never criticize ea

ch other in front of their child . They have even spent Christmas together . `` 

Most people , I think , are surprised , '' Geoff said . Contrary to popular beli

ef , a number of parents have learned ways to continue raising their children to

gether effectively , said Constance Ahrons , associate director of the Marriage 

and Family Therapy Program at the University of Southern California . `` The tru

th is , 50 percent of divorces do not do long-term damage to children or adults 

, '' said Ahrons , whose book `` The Good Divorce '' ( HarperCollins ) is schedu

led to be published in the fall . Ahrons said she studied 98 families in the Mid

west that she found through court records . She interviewed them three times ove

r five years , the last in 1985 . The children were not interviewed . `` About 5

0 percent fell into what is the negative stereotype , '' she said . `` They were

 still angry or litigating . But 50 percent were not doing that . They got on wi

th trying to resolve it , finding ways to effectively handle their parenting . `

` The research clearly indicates the damage done to children is done in bad marr

iages prior to divorce , not so much the divorce itself , '' said Ahrons , who s

truggled to attain a civilized divorce herself . Although she and her ex-husband

 never became friendly after the divorce , they did manage a holiday dinner or t

wo and when their daughter married , walked her down the aisle together . ( Opti

onal add end ) Lessening the impact of divorce is complicated . The overriding r

ule is that children should never become caught in the cross-fire between the pa

rents . They need to be reassured that they are not the cause of the divorce and

 that while there will be changes , both parents will still love them and take c

are of them . One of the more important tools in a good divorce , Ahrons said , 

is compromise . Colin sees his father every other weekend plus Wednesday nights 

. Barbara learned to consult Geoff on arrangements she made , such as changing p

reschools . Geoff sends the child support check on time . When Colin is sick , s

ometimes he takes the day off to stay with him . More parents can have civilized

 divorces if society expects them to , Ahrons believes . Several jurisdictions a

re experimenting with mandating `` parenting plans '' when couples with children

 divorce . Under the state of Washington 's 1987 Parenting Act , divorcing paren

ts must file a parenting plan that delineates a dispute resolution process , all

ocation of decision-making authority and residential provisions for holidays , b

irthdays , vacations and other special events . Exceptions are allowed in cases 

of abuse . While mandated parenting plans resemble the old joint custody and vis

itation arrangements , supporters believe that the new language will help parent

s see their roles in terms of responsibility rather than of control . Geoff said

 that in some ways , a good divorce is not that much different from a good marri

age : `` It takes a lot of work . ''

 There are things in this life that are true . Absolutely true . Children think 

they know these things . Men talk like they do . But only women really know . He

re , then , is another glimpse inside the store of knowledge that has come to be

 known as True Facts . As always , I am grateful to those who have made these tr

ue facts known to me . Don't even look for the Scotch tape . Your children have 

already used it all up . `` My mom lets me . '' The most common phrase uttered b

y a child to an adult not his parent . Almost always a lie . It is a common misc

onception that sleep-over means sleeping over at someone else 's house . It does

 not . It means that after your child spends the night at another child 's house

 , you have to do the sleeping part of it over sometime that next afternoon or y

our child will not be fit to live with . If you go back to bed after your childr

en leave for school and ignore that ringing phone , it will be the school callin

g to tell you your child is sick and needs to come home . Where are all the spoo

ns ? Probably the same place all the other socks are . Old Russian proverb : Wom

en do everything . Men do the rest . You know your child has reached adolescence

 when the field trip permission slips come home with `` My parent will not be ab

le to chaperon '' already checked off . Only mothers put the caps back on the ma

rkers . That 's because they paid for them . Men don't sing in church . Women wo

uld feel bad for the organist if they didn't . If your child has a sore throat a

nd you take him for a strep test , he will not have strep throat . If you give h

im a couple of hard candies and send him to school , your child will have strep 

throat . Everything in your child 's life should have a driver 's side power loc

k just like the ones on car windows and car doors . Why is it that you can't rem

ember where you put your car keys , but you can't forget any of those painful gr

ade school injustices ? Women don't read directions . Men don't ask for them . `

` I don't have any . '' Most common response by a child to an adult asking about

 homework . Almost always a lie , and you will find that out 30 minutes before b

edtime . No matter how much laundry you do , the outfit your daughter absolutely

 has to wear is not clean . If your husband asks you , `` Where do you keep it ?

 '' it means he wants you to go get it . If it is possible for your child to lea

ve something at a friend 's house hat , jacket , backpack , toys he will . Speed

 dial was not invented so that little girls who can't remember seven digits in a

 row can call their friends all afternoon . You are aging like your mother . Wom

en bond around problems . Men don't acknowledge them . Let your neighbor put up 

the basketball hoop or the play gym . Then your children might actually use them

 . When the chorus performs at the school spring concert , your kid will be in t

he second row , all the way on the right , and her face will be blocked the enti

re time . The only time you ever lose weight is after you finally give in and bu

y something that fits . Every kid in the neighborhood is your child 's best frie

nd when you open a box of Popsicles . Every year brings another body part to cam

ouflage . It is bad enough when your son burps in public . But when your daughte

r does and responds to your horrified criticism by saying that `` all the girls 

do '' it makes you fear for the future of civilization . As soon as you save eno

ugh money to redecorate that room in your house , a car or a major appliance die

s . Why are there never any Band-Aids ? You know you bought some . No matter how

 much money you make , your credit card bill is always a shock . There isn't a l

aundry detergent made that gets baby throw-up off your good blouse . And the tru

est True Fact of them all : If you allow your child to push the grocery cart for

 you , he will run it into your Achilles ' tendon .

 You might well wonder what Julia Roberts , Shannen Doherty , Drew Barrymore , B

ette Midler and a 42-year-old Chicago psychologist named Kate Wachs have in comm

on . As it turns out , all married impulsively . Quickly and in major defiance o

f every mom 's maxim : Gee , honey , maybe you should get to know this person yo

u 're about to marry before you actually get married . Barrymore 's marriage to 

tavern owner Jeremy Thomas lasted about a month . Noting that she and Thomas had

 not so much as cohabited before their marriage , Barrymore said at the time of 

her wedding , `` I guess we 're doing it the old-fashioned way . Kind of . '' Do

herty and Ashley Hamilton split up six months after they tied the knot at a picn

ic in her back yard . Their courtship reportedly lasted only two or three weeks 

. ( The marriage , if not the divorce , surprised even Doherty 's publicist . ) 

In a positive dream state while Lovett was removing her blue garter at their wed

ding reception , Roberts remarked : `` He makes me so happy . He 's so good to m

e . '' These days , heated tabloid speculation notwithstanding , Roberts and Lov

ett insist that they 're still wildly in love . When Midler and Martin von Hasel

berg reconnected in October 1984 , after having met briefly once before , sparks

 flew . Two months later , they were heading to Las Vegas to get married . This 

winter , Midler and von Haselberg will celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary 

. They have one child , a daughter , Sophie . As for Wachs , her two-year union 

with seaman Don Donner is so successful that in some circles of the American Psy

chological Association whose members , you might think , ought to know better ge

tting married impulsively is now known with some admiration as getting hitched `

` Dr . Kate-Style . '' `` That means quick , '' Wachs said . She and Donner met 

one evening at the grocery store , after he tracked the scent of her perfume ( P

aloma Picasso ) down the aisles . `` You should get some for your girlfriend , '

' said Wachs , no fool . `` What girlfriend ? '' Donner said . By morning , they

 were engaged . The short life span of many high-profile impulse marriages has g

iven the practice a seriously bad name . Hasty marital decisions make waste-y di

vorce proceedings , the logic goes often correctly . Infatuation is an evil drug

 , your sensible maiden aunt warned . Feels great while you 're in its spell . W

hen the effect wears off , look out . But while admitting that they have no vast

 data pool to draw on , many experts wonder if instant marriages deserve their r

eputation as an automatic formula for disaster . Love-at-first-sight is a treasu

red myth of our culture , these social scientists point out . The mysterious str

anger is an ongoing icon . Passion 's a more enjoyable route to a raised heartbe

at than fishing or an aerobic workout . And spontaneity is exhilarating , a rush

 that rules out reason . Put these elements together , said Cambridge , Mass. , 

psychologist Barry Dym , and you 've got the recipe for an impulse marriage . An

d , Dym said , `` I kind of doubt that they have any worse chance than anyone el

se . '' In fact , he added , `` since the chemistry is so strong , they may have

 a better chance . '' In Austin , Texas , psychologist Pat Love was the first to

 agree . The Wachs-Donner scenario , for example , seemed perfectly plausible to

 Love , who once entered an upscale Dallas watering hole with two close female f

riends . Love and her friend Maisie went to find a table . Their friend Sue , me

anwhile , found a new husband . `` By the time Maisie and I found a place to sit

 down , Sue was engaged , '' Love said . `` This guy she later married saw her l

ooking around and says , ` Who 're you trying to find ? ' And Sue says , ` You. 

' ' ' So the marriage , Sue 's third , lasted less than a year . Love 's respons

e : So what ? When it comes to finding a life partner , she said , `` the truth 

of it is , I think it 's kind of a crapshoot anyway . '' Because embarking on an

 impulse marriage is like buying a car without a road test or a warranty many co

uples rapidly end up visiting the marital equivalent of a mechanic . Omaha psych

ologist Patricia O' Hanlon Hudson said she despairs when she sees a couple `` th

ree months after the marriage that took place two months after they met . '' Yet

 she called this kind of counseling `` a real opportunity to deal with impulsivi

ty '' a trait she equates largely with immaturity . Instant marriages , concurre

d Berkeley psychologist Stephen Goldbart , are often `` the bread-and-butter cou

ple that we see in therapy . They fall in love , they run off and get married , 

they run into trouble . '' Couples who fall in love and marry instantaneously of

ten find themselves `` over-amped , '' said fellow Berkeley psychologist David W

allin , who , with Goldbart , has written a new book called `` Mapping the Terra

in of the Heart '' ( Addison Wesley , 1994 ) . The sex may be stupendous , Walli

n said a meshing of mutual fantasies . But instant marriage participants are pro

bably `` merger hungry , '' he said , meaning that `` they can't bear to be alon

e . '' Partners who marry quickly also tend to over-idealize , Wallin said , por

traying the new mate as `` a dream come true . '' Few mortals , as it happens , 

can measure up to such expectations . ( Optional add end ) Revenge and rebound a

re fairly common themes in instant marital histories , Goldbart said . Then ther

e is the `` Omigod , I 'm 45 , and I 'm still not married and I have no kids '' 

script that sends men and women alike leaping into the next pair of semi-warm ar

ms that wander into the neighborhood . And some people , Goldbart said , are sim

ply `` impulse-ridden , '' devil-may-care in everything they do , marriage inclu

ded . `` These are the kinds of marriages we suspect willn't last very long , ''

 Goldbart said , because as soon as they polish off the wedding cake , `` they '

re off to the next impulse . '' But Kate Wachs would hardly have thought of hers

elf as impulsive , a woman who waited 40 years before pledging her troth and who

 has made a comfortable living running the `` Dr. Kate Relationship Center , '' 

arranging matches and offering `` A-to-Z '' love advice to men and women . Howev

er , she said she would not necessarily use her own experience as a model . `` I

t 's not that a fast marriage can't work , '' Wachs said . `` It 's just that if

 you 're getting together with someone in less than two months , you could be be

ing persuaded by infatuation . '' As for the odds of success , she said , echoin

g the assessment of many of her associates : `` It might work , it might not . '

'

 Sweet , sunny , always peaceful how we would love that to be our family . Commo

n sense says it 's impossible ; conflict is inevitable . No family or couple can

 be in harmony at all times . It doesn't make sense to see conflict in itself as

 a problem . What counts is how conflict is handled , and to what degree it perv

ades family life . In an article in the Journal of Family Psychology , Lisa H. J

aycox and Rena L. Repetti of the University of Pennsylvania looked at the way em

otion is dealt with in the family , and how that affects children . `` There 's 

been a lot of research on different kinds of conflict , and it varies a lot from

 family to family , '' Jaycox said in an interview . `` It can be just between t

he parents marital conflict varying all the way from disagreements to violence .

 It can involve a parent-child relationship there 's a lot of research .. . that

 really points out how it 's a two-way street , how a difficult parenting style 

can cause behavior problems in a child , but also a difficult child can interfer

e with the parent 's ability to manage the child. .. . `` The point we were maki

ng in this article is that a lot of times when research is focusing on one of th

ose relationships , it sort of ignores the larger climate in the house , and it 

may actually just be measuring an effect of that climate . So it 's worth lookin

g at the way emotion is dealt with in the family , the way it 's expressed in ge

neral . '' The researchers studied 72 fourth- and fifth-graders . The children ,