Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

1. 
Recovery is a Process
This is so simple that it borders on being trite; but it is so easy to
forget that we must remind ourselves of this principle from time to

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time. It is easy to feel great when things are going great for us. But
when things are not so great, it is crucial to remember that we are
on a journey of recovery, which includes ups and downs. Life
presents us with stress and tragedy, whether we are bulimics or not.
Life is unpredictable whether we are compulsive overeaters or not.
Life is hard sometimes whether we are Adult Children or not.
2. 
Recovery Cannot Be Done Alone
As we have said many times already, trying to do it alone is one of
the primary symptoms of our dysfunction. This has a lot to do with
the core shame from our childhoods. We don't want others to know
what is going on inside of us because we are afraid that they will be
shocked, will reject or abandon us or shame us further. It also has
to do with our need to be in control in unhealthy ways. It has to do
with the arrogance and moral superiority that is such a strong part
of co-dependency.
"She's the addict," we spout. "When she starts recovering, my life
will be fine." Translated, this means: "I am better than her."
Unfortunately, this feeling of "better than" also leaves plenty of
room for feeling ''worse than" others, which leads to social and
emotional isolation.
Recovery cannot be done alone because the experience of sharing
our inner selves with others in a safe way is what we have been
missing all our lives. True, we may have lots of people with whom
we share our problems late into the night, but are they people who
don't get enmeshed with us? Are they people who let us have our
pain so that we can learn from it and do something about it, or do

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they enable us, and get secret satisfaction out of feeling that they
are better than us? Do they need to be needed, or can they simply
be there for us without trying to "fix" us and offer solutions all the
time?
We cannot recover alone but we also cannot recover if all of our
time is spent with others who are not in recovery either.
3. 
Recovery is Painful
This is what keeps so many of us away from recovery. "It has to get
worse before it gets better" is one of the key principles of therapy.
Digging back into an abusive and neglectful childhood is

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not easy or fun. Letting down our defenses and feeling the deep
pain inside of that Little Child locked up in us hurts. Cleaning out
an infection with a scalpel hurts more than the infection, but it is
often the only way to heal once and for all. We do not advocate a
life of constant pain or martyrdom, but we do know that this pain
of recovery must happen. And when it does, this pain will
eventually subside.
4. 
Recovery Means Changes In How We Feel, How We Act And In
What We Believe
It is not enough to just "think our way through it". It is not enough
to just "feel our way through it". It is not enough to just "act our
way through it". Some of us are great at reading and thinking about
recovery and so we tend to get stuck here. Others are great at
expressing certain feelings, and this is where we get stuck. Still
others of us are very adept at changing our behavior to fit what
others expect of us. Recovery means making changes in all three
areas, and in achieving a healthy measure of congruence among all
three. That is, what we do is consistent with how we feel, which is
consistent with what we believe about ourselves and the world.
5. 
Recovery Means Getting Out Of Our Roles
In Chapter 6 we discussed some of the dysfunctional roles that we
get caught up in as we are growing up in our families. We noted
that these roles are distorted mutations of truly healthy needs that
we have. Recovery means giving up the role of mascot, hero,

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princess, enabler, and so on, and getting those same needs met in
healthy ways.
The family caretaker, for example, will feel tremendous guilt at
first when he chooses to no longer take care of Mom's feelings or
Dad's alcoholism. But the more a caretaker is able to give up this
role, the more he or she will be able to have healthy mutuality in all
relationships, Likewise, we must give up the roles of offender,
victim and rescuer breaking the vicious cycle that happens with
these three roles.
6. 
In Recovery, We Recover Our Choices
This is so hard for us to grasp at first. Time and again our clients
will state that they have no choices. This is experienced as the
powerful feeling of being stuck, which is a key symptom of co-

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dependency. In our co-dependency traps, we become reactors to
people and events around us, never realizing that we can choose
and take action. Because of our dysfunctional belief systems, we
paint ourselves into a corner where we are miserable but see no
way out. This is one reason that we believe that family of origin
therapy is essential to recovery, because it is those distorted
childhood beliefs that keep us painted in that corner.
"If I tell him that I feel he has a cocaine addiction, he'll just leave
me. If he leaves me, I will be alone. If I am left alone, I will not be
able to survive. If I cannot survive, I will die. Furthermore, a good
wife always stays with her husband no matter what. That's what
our marriage vows say. If I confront his cocaine addiction, I am
being a bad wife because I will be causing the end of our
marriage." This is the kind of logic that we use to keep ourselves
stuck.
At some point in the recovery process we will be able to say, "I
have recovered my choices."
7. 
Recovery Requires Transcending Paradoxes
A paradox is something that appears to be contradictory but in fact
is true. It is essential in recovery that we let go of black-and-white
thinking, which is at the root of these paradoxes in which we get
trapped.
For example, can someone be "good" and "bad"? Can we love and
hate the same person? Can we become powerful by "giving in"?
The answer to all of these questions is "yes''. Yet, before recovery,
we struggle very hard with these questions. We want to label him

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"good" and her "safe", when in fact it is humanly impossible for
anyone to be "good" all the time or always "safe" to be with.
Likewise, love and hate are not opposites, in our opinion. The
opposite of love is indifference.
As Confucius wrote many centuries ago, "Only the truly kind man
knows how to love and how to hate."
In Summary
The basic elements of any recovery program will include one and
usually more of the following:
1. Regular participation in an ongoing 12-step, self-help group is a
must. We always require this. (See the Appendix for a list of 12-
step groups.)

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2. Individual psychotherapy.
3. Group psychotherapy.
4. Family therapy.
5. Inpatient or outpatient treatment.
If the dysfunction that we experienced in our childhoods was mild,