Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

Physical
1. Chemical dependency
2. Eating disorders
3. Accident proneness/chronic pain syndrome
4. Tension and migraine headaches
5. Respiratory problems
6. Ulcers, colitis, digestive problems
7. Constipation/diarrhea
8. Sleep disorders
9. Muscle tension
10. TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint Disorder)
Because they tend to be so common for Adult Children, we will
take a brief but closer look at addictions, compulsions, unhealthy
dependencies, depression, stress symptoms, phobias and anxiety.
Addiction
In the narrowest sense, an addiction is a physiological dependence
on some substance, in which the dependence has got out of control
and is affecting the daily functioning of the addict in some pretty
serious ways. This definition, of course, would leave out the
broader uses of the term as in work addiction, love addiction,
television addiction, etc. We would prefer to use "addiction" more
broadly defined because that is the way that it is being used quite

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often now. We suspect that the distinction between an addiction and
an unhealthy dependency may simply be one of degree anyway.
Compulsion
A compulsion is something we do that we do not feel we are able to
control or stop, but gives us the illusion of being in control. The
"out, out, damned spot" compulsive hand-washing to try to remove
some imagined sin from one's hands is a classic example of a
compulsion, as would be getting up in the night seven or eight
times to check to see if you locked all the doors and windows.
Clinicians speak of compulsive overeating, compulsive gambling
or compulsive

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cleaning and spending. Sound familiar? Am I a compulsive
gambler or am I a gambling addict? Or does it really matter what
we call it, as long as we know that it's something out of control that
is doing us and others harm?
Unhealthy Dependencies
Unhealthy dependencies grow out of our normal dependent state as
infants. We are born totally dependent upon our parents for our
survival. Without them feeding us, nurturing us and taking care of
us when we are sick, we would literally die. Thus our dependency
needs are rooted deeply and firmly in terms of absolute survival.
As we grow older, these needs take on subtler and subtler forms. At
the age of six, for example, it is possible for us to actually survive
on our own, as many children have to do in impoverished
countries, although we do not survive well at this age without
continued help from adults. At the age of 15, we can survive quite
well on our own, at least in terms of meeting basic biological and
safety needs. But what about the less obvious emotional needs that
we have? The needs that are less tangible but powerful
nonetheless? It is most often these needs that don't get met in
dysfunctional families, which means that we are launched into,
adulthood with a reservoir of unmet needs.
One of the major tasks of growing up is to learn how to become
interdependent with others. Interdependence means being one's
own person, being able to maintain a clear and separate identity
from others, while still recognizing the need for help and support
from others. It also means being able to get that support in healthy
rather than destructive ways.

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Am I interdependent if I have a ''lot of friends" but start to feel that
I do too much for them and don't get enough back? Am I
interdependent if, like Sandy, I am high-achieving, responsible, and
competent at work but feel like no one ever knows the real me? Or
am I simply displaying the underside of unhealthy dependency?
Friel (1982) wrote of a paradoxical dependency, in which the
person having this problem appeared self-reliant and independent
on the outside but was floundering on the inside. Paradoxical
dependency is one form of an unhealthy dependency. Looking
strong and "together" on the surface, while having unhappy
relationships and low self-esteem underneath is a clear sign of
unhealthy dependency.

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Unhealthy dependency means that the attachment that we have to a
substance, a job, a person, a pet or whatever is getting in the way of
our happiness and contentment. These attachments, like addictions,
prevent us from hearing the little child inside of us who wants his
or her needs met in healthy ways, and who wants to be set free.
They keep us in denial, they keep us from forming healthy
attachments to friends and lovers. Beneath them is the same fear,
sadness, hurt, loneliness and anger that is beneath addictions and
compulsions.
Unhealthy dependencies prevent the formation of healthy
interdependence, and thus are destructive to us. And as many
experts know too well, unhealthy dependencies, left untreated, will
often deteriorate into full-blown addictions under normal life
stresses.