Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

addiction can happen to us in more ways than one.

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Just because you don't drink alcohol does not mean that you are
free from addiction. You could have all of the traits of an addict the
denial, the discomfort with intimacy, the need for unreasonable
power and control, the inability to let go, the inner torment, the
insecurity masked by grandiosity and so on without being an
alcoholic.
And before you start pointing fingers at yourself or someone else
because of our list, remember that just because you like jogging or
sex or television does not mean that you have an unhealthy
dependency on them. Also keep in mind that we are each unique in
important ways, too. Watching television may be a healthy
diversion or form of entertainment for you, but be a demonic trap
for your spouse or children. Your boss's relationships may be
healthy, while yours are bordering on being addictive. His work
may be challenging and stimulating while his assistant's work may
be addictive and compulsive. The proof is not in the pudding; in
this case it's in the one who is eating the pudding.
Perhaps the following brief descriptions will begin to help shed
some light on this distinction.
Jim has one or two drinks after his long workday, then eats dinner
with his family. On weekends he and Barbara usually entertain at
home or go out with friends, and he finds that a few glasses of wine
and some after-dinner drinks help loosen him up to really enjoy the
weekend. All of their friends drink, and Jim only gets "drunk" a
couple of times a year. He knows that he really doesn't have a
problem anyway, because he tried to stop drinking last year and was
able to go two months without a drink. Jim has a successful career, a
beautiful wife and two wonderful children. Jim is an alcoholic.

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Katherine has one or two drinks after her long workday, then has
dinner with her family. On weekends she entertains at home or goes
out to dinner with friends. She, too, has a couple of glasses of wine
with dinner when she goes out. She has never tried to quit drinking
completely because it has never occurred to her to do so. Katherine is
not an alcoholic.
Sue has been running 30 miles per week for the past several years.
Every couple of years she trains for and runs in a marathon. She is
proud of her physical fitness and can't imagine what it would be like
to not be able to run anymore. In fact, her morning run comes before
anything else and when

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her schedule becomes disrupted for some reason, she is irritable and
crabby for most of the morning. Sue is a running addict.
Frank runs 40 miles a week, running at least one marathon every year.
He, too, is proud of his stamina and conditioning. When he
discovered that he would have to stop running because of a knee
injury, he was disappointed and "down" for awhile but he eventually
bounced back and is on an even keel again. He has been thinking
lately about taking up swimming to get his aerobic exercise each day.
Frank is not a running addict.
Bob watches television with his family every night, starting with the
evening news and ending with a late night movie. While Bob is
watching, other family members will be watching, too, if they're
interested in the show. But Bob watches no matter what. His wife
jokes about being a "television widow", but she's not laughing on the
inside anymore. Bob is a television addict.
Mary watches television every night or so,' depending on what's on,
but it is never a very high priority for her. Even if she's in the middle
of a program and someone calls her up to go out, it doesn't bother her
to turn it off. Sometimes she'll go for days without watching anything
at all. Mary is not a television addict.
As you can see from the above examples, it is not the amount,
necessarily, that determines the addiction. In some cases, amount
by itself will be a clear diagnostic indicator, but it won't always.
One of the statements that will get an Alcoholics Anonymous
group laughing harder than anything else is when a diagnosed
alcoholic says, "But I only get drunk a couple of times a year!"
This also brings up the important advice that as we think about our
own dependencies and possible addictions, we must not compare