Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

ourselves to someone else's patterns of use.

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The best way to look at our own patterns of addiction is to look at a
typical list of the symptoms and indicators of addiction used by
professionals to determine whether we are addicted and how
strongly we are addicted. We believe that addiction is on a
continuum, and that if you suspect that you or someone close to
you is addicted to something, you should seek professional help in
determining a diagnosis. The following are some of the major
indicators.

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1. Preoccupation With The Addictive Agent: Thinking about it,
talking about it, looking forward to it, being distracted because of
it, not being able to "be" with others because of the preoccupation.
It is this aspect of addiction that makes intimacy difficult, if not
impossible, after a while because the addiction becomes our
primary relationship. We are more interested in watching TV,
having sex, drinking, running, gambling, etc., than we are in being
with the people we once loved.
2. Increased Tolerance For The Addictive Agent: We need more
and more of the chemical or experience to achieve the desired
effect. The more we use it, the less the effect seems to be. There is
also increasing frustration with the tolerance build-up, in that the
increased usage causes deeper and deeper shame, guilt and
remorse.
3. Loss Of Control: We can't have "just one". We try to have
periods of abstinence; or we have "white-knuckle" abstinence
during which times we are irritable, angry, lonely and isolated. We
say that this is the last day we'll act out compulsive sex, or watch
TV all day, or drink, or use Valium, but we get up the next day and
start all over.
4. Withdrawal: When we stop using whatever it is we're addicted
to, we have symptoms of withdrawal, such as irritability,
depression, moodiness, tearfulness, anger, hostility, etc. This goes
as well for addictions other than chemical addictions. Families
asked not to watch TV for a month often have the same symptoms
if they happen to be addicted to it.
5. Sneaking: Hiding bottles, shamefully buying pornography and

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hiding it in one's car, under one's bed. Having a few drinks or pills
before going out for the evening to be sure that there's enough in
the bloodstream in case there is no opportunity to have more later.
6. Denial: To be discussed at length in a later chapter. It includes
defensiveness about use and one's symptoms, as well as the
consequences of one's actions for self and others around us; as if
the world is crumbling around us and we're saying, "Problems?
What problems? Every-

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thing's fine!" Or we might say, "Addiction? Hell no, I'm not
addicted. I'll be fine after I get done with this big project. It's just
the stress I'm under right now that's getting to me."
7. Personality Changes and Mood Swings: Up, down, up, down,
up, down. Angry syrupy-sweet, then angry again. Moody,
temperamental, irritable, sad, hyperactive, elated, then back to sad
again. In some, these swings are very obvious. In others, they are
much subtler.
8. Blaming: It's everyone else's fault. The kids are too spoiled. The
spouse isn't attentive enough, or sexy enough, or enough of a
hardworker. The boss is a jerk. The doctor who examined me is
incompetent. There is a powerful inability to accept responsibility
for one's own life with this symptom.
9. Blackouts: With chemical addictions, these occur when we can't
remember what we did while we were under the influence we don't
remember driving home or how we got to bed or what we said to
that woman at the party last night. With other addictions we have
"dissociative-blackouts" i.e., we dissociate while using or while
preoccupied and don't remember things. We daydream, "space out",
"go into the ozone" for awhile.
10. Physical Symptoms: These will depend upon the addiction.
With non-chemical addictions, they are most often the stress
disorders, such as headaches, ulcers and the like.
11. Rigid Attitudes: Black-and-white thinking; intolerance of
others' opinions, compulsiveness, all-or-nothing thinking.
12. Loss of Personal Values: We stop caring as our addiction

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progresses. We don't take care of ourselves. We hang around with
people who are our "inferiors" Our boundaries break down and we
do things which we would never do prior to the acceleration of our
addiction sexual things, inconsiderate things, hurtful things, illegal
things.
13. Disability and/or Death: Death comes either through physical
damage due to a drug or chemical, or through

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stress-related illnesses, such as cancer or heart attack or stroke or
through eventual suicide. We suspect that a large number of
alcohol-related traffic fatalities are a form of suicide.
In looking at most addictive agents, there are usually two factors
involved in the addiction: the biological or physical addiction and