Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families

the social/emotional addiction.
Most experts will now agree, for example, that many alcoholics
have a genetic predisposition to becoming physically addicted to
alcohol. The brain and blood chemistry of alcoholics is different
than in non-alcoholics, even before they started drinking. There is
also pretty strong evidence that alcoholics metabolize alcohol
differently than nonalcoholics, producing an opiate-like substance
in their brains after consuming alcohol.
In looking at ''love addictions", it is intriguing to consider the
recent discovery of a special neurotransmitter in the brain that
seems to exist in much higher amounts when we are "falling in
love". It appears that the rush of energy, excitement and feelings of
ecstasy and well-being that occur when we fall in love are due in
large part to this neurotransmitter substance (neurotransmitters are
the chemicals that send the electrical impulse from one nerve to the
next in the brain and other nervous system parts). In the case of
"falling in love", the more of this substance present, the stronger
the feelings of euphoria and well-being.
As the newness of the relationship wears off, so does the
accumulation of this substance, resulting in boredom, sadness or
even depression which, of course can be "cured" by falling in love
again. Perhaps some people who become addicted to multiple serial

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relationships, who fall in and out of love all of the time, are
actually addicted in part to this neurotransmitter substance.
The social/emotional factors in addiction seem to be common to all
addictive agents, regardless of brain chemistry or body physiology,
and it is these factors over which we have much more control at the
present time, and on which we wish to focus. In almost every case,
these factors include:
1. Temporary anxiety reduction.
2. Temporary stress reduction.
3. Temporary feelings of power and well-being.
4. Avoidance of true feelings.

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5. Avoidance of crucial life problems and developmental tasks.
6. Avoidance of intimacy.
Because of the very nature of addictive processes, these benefits
are not long-lasting. The well-being we feel while drunk wears off,
leaving us in worse shape than when we started drinking the day
before. We are left with a hangover, tremendous guilt and shame.
The anxiety reduction, or reduction of boredom and frustration that
occurs when we go on a spending binge, goes as quickly as it
came, leaving us guilty, nervous, shameful, and anxious about how
we will pay our next month's bills.
We may get a rush of euphoria and happiness as we walk out the
door with a date to whom we are addicted, but when that date is
over and we find ourselves pining away by the telephone waiting
for him or her to call again, whatever sense of false security we
may have had will be long gone. In its place will be feelings of
worthlessness, anxiety, frustration and despair.
Put simply, these addictive agents serve to fill in developmental
gaps in us quickly and temporarily and by using them often, we
never get the chance to fill in the gaps permanently.
Multiple Hooks
Sandy was alcoholic and food addicted. Frank was a workaholic,
and as it turned out in the course of therapy, he was sexually
addicted as well. In our clinical experience, it is rare for someone
to have a single addiction.
The reason for this is simple, actually. Addictions are really

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symptoms of a deeper underlying dependency that evolved out of
our family systems during childhood. The more dysfunctional the
family, the deeper the underlying dependency problems that exist
in us. The deeper the underlying dependency problems, the more
they pervade every aspect of our lives, because the pain inside of
us is stronger and more frightening, and it takes stronger defenses
to deny that pain and try to hide it from others. It is only logical
that a combination of alcohol, food, cigarettes and compulsive
perfectionism will serve to help us hide our pain more than if we
used only food or only alcohol.
Remember, too, that even to the untrained observer, someone who
is addicted to all of these things may obviously have a problem.

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But to the addict who doesn't get a lot of feedback from other
people because they are afraid of it, it is easy to fool himself into
believing that no one knows "his secret".
By the same logic, dealing with multiple addictions is no different
than dealing with just one. Once we break through the initial denial
and defenses to treat the most harmful addiction first (such as
alcohol), it is much easier to treat the other ones later while
recovering from an addictive lifestyle. The alcoholic may say to
herself at first, "I know I have to quit drinking, but I know I'll have
to find something to replace it."
Once recovery has been in process for a couple of years, she
actually finds it easier to think about giving up the next addiction.
As addicts, we think in terms of how much of what kind of outside
agent we can rely on. As people in healthy recovery programs, we
begin to think of how healthy we are and how we can get even
healthier. It is as if our entire logic system changes.
A warning is in order here, too. Early in recovery, it is very
predictable that we will replace one addiction with another. The
recovering food addict may begin compulsively running, only to
find that running is making her no more peaceful inside than food
did. This simply means that recovery is still very new, and that the
person doing it has more and deeper work to do with the
underlying pain. The goal of recovery is to produce inner peace and
a clear identity, free from addictive agents. The first step in
recovery is to remove the addictive agent so that the true
underlying dependency can be felt, touched, seen and dealt with
openly.

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INTERLUDE

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5 
The Bear
Once upon a time there was a big Brown Bear who lived peacefully
in the woods near a clear rushing stream. He liked where he lived.
He liked the fresh clean air, the abundance of fish in the nearby
stream, the dappled sunlight beneath the tall pine trees, the open
meadows and the cool damp forest. Every day was filled with quiet
time snoozing in the sun on his favorite granite rock by the stream;
the challenges of searching for food and romping with his mate.
One day as he was ambling down to the stream for a drink of clear
icy water, something happened. WHACK! A searing pain pulsed
through his foot. He lunged forward to escape. THUD! He was
trapped to the earth by a pair of steel jaws and a thick metal chain
pounded deep into the earth.
"No!" shouted the big Brown Bear. "It's a bear trap."
His paws weren't really built to spread the jaws of a bear trap, and
his brain wasn't really built to figure this out at all. He was in a bad
situation.
After several hours of painful struggle, the big Brown Bear had
mangled his foot almost to shreds. There was blood everywhere.
He called for his mate, who finally heard his calls, but there was
nothing she could do either. So she sat patiently next to him to give
him comfort, crying quietly, and hoping for a miracle.

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Finally, after several more hours, his mangled foot jerked free from
the trap, and he crawled sadly away from that place and back into
the woods. His mate stayed behind for awhile to try to understand
how this had happened, but nothing came to her. Her brain wasn't
really designed to figure these things out either.
At last, she returned to their den, where the big Brown Bear was
nursing his mangled foot as best he could. They stayed up most of
the night, discussing what had happened to them that day, but
neither of them could make head nor tail of it. And so with what
brain capacity they did have, they simply decided never to return to
that place in the woods again. And so they didn't.

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