only about 10 percent of our upset is appropriate to the present experience.
Let's look at an example. If our partner seems a little critical of us, it may hurt our feelings a
little. But because we are adults we are capable of understanding that they don't mean to be
critical or maybe we see that they had a bad day. This understanding prevents their criticism
from being too hurtful. We don't take it personally.
But on another day their criticism is very painful. On this other day our wounded feelings from
the past are on their way up. As a result we are more vulnerable to our partner's criticism. It
hurts a lot because as a child we were criticized severely. Our partner's criticism hurts more
because it triggers our past hurt as well.
As a child we were not able to understand that we were innocent and that our parents'
negativity was their problem. In childhood we take all criticism, rejection, and blame
personally.
When these unresolved feelings from childhood are coming up, we easily interpret our
partner's comments as criticism, rejection, and blame. Having adult discussions at these times is
hard. Everything is misunderstood. When our partner seems critical, 10 percent of our reaction
relates to their effect on us and 90 percent relates to our past.
Imagine someone poking your arm a little or gently bumping into you. It doesn't hurt a lot.
Now imagine you have an open wound or sore and someone starts poking at it or bumps into
you. It hurts much more. In the same way, if unresolved feelings are coming up, we will be
overly sensitive to the normal pokes and bumps of relating.
In the beginning of a relationship we may not be as sensitive. It takes time for our past feelings
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