she deserves when she needs it the most.
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Chapter 8
Discovering Our Different
Emotional Needs
Men and women generally are unaware that they have different emotional needs. As a result
they do not instinctively know how to support each other. Men typically give in relationships
what men want, while women give what women want. Each mistakenly assumes that the other
has the same needs and desires. As a result they both end up dissatisfied and resentful.
Both men and women feel they give and give but do not get back. They feel their love is
unacknowledged and unappreciated. The truth is they are both giving love but not in the
desired manner.
For example, a woman thinks she is being loving when she asks a lot of caring questions or
expresses concern. As we have discussed before, this can be very annoying to a man. He may
start to feel controlled and want space. She is confused, because if she were offered this kind of
support she would be appreciative. Her efforts to be loving are at best ignored and at worst
annoying.
Similarly, men think they are being loving, but the way they express their love may make a
woman feel invalidated and unsupported. For example, when a woman gets upset, he thinks he
is loving and supporting her by making comments that minimize that importance of her
problems. He may say "Don't worry, It's not such a big deal." Or he may completely ignore her,
assuming he is giving her a lot of "space" to cool off and go into her cave. What he thinks is
support makes her feel minimized, unloved, and ignored.
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