John Gray – Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus Scanned by nova scanner: Canoscan D1250 U2f software: Omnipage Pro 9 Date: 28 August 2002 Proofed by

of correcting the way he is saying it. 
 
He has no idea that be is starting an argument; he thinks she is arguing with him. He defends 
his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expressions, which are hurtful 
to her. 
 
When a man neglects to honor a woman's hurt feelings he invalidates them and increases her 
hurt. It is hard for him to understand her hurt because he is not as vulnerable to uncaring 
comments and tones. Consequently, a man may not even realize how much he is hurting his 
partner and thus provoking her resistance. 
 
Similarly, women don't realize how they are hurtful to men. Unlike a man, when a woman feels 
challenged the tone of her speech automatically becomes increasingly mistrusting and 
rejecting. This kind of rejection is more hurtful to a man, especially when he is emotionally 
involved. 
 
Women start and escalate arguments by first sharing negative feelings about their partner's 
behavior and then by giving unsolicited advice. When a women neglects to buffer her negative 
feelings with messages of trust and acceptance, a man responds negatively, leaving the woman 
confused. Again she is unaware of how hurtful her mistrust is to him. 
 
To avoid arguing we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying but 
to how we are saying it. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument. The 

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best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud. Take responsibility for recognizing when a 
disagreement is turning into an argument. Stop talking and take a time-out. Reflect on how you 
are approaching your partner. Try to understand how you are not giving them what they need.