Microsoft Word Marriage Guide doc

Source: 
www.al-islamforall@org
 
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never,' then the person being attacked will frequently just deny it or justify themselves, and 
the grievance for which you hoped to find a solution might be deflected into just another 
battle over an irrelevant detail of speech. 
'Will you please stop harrassing me?' is an attack. 'When you did that, or said that, I 
felt very harrassed' is not. It is a statement that presents a problem to the other person, 
which he or she may be required to solve. When people know that particular actions or 
words have particular effects, then if they still persist in doing them, they will have to 
take responsibility for the result. 
'When you always stay out with your friends, leaving me alone, or you don't come 
to bed until I'm asleep, it makes me feel very unloved. It shakes the love I feel for you, and 
I am beginning to feel resentment and dislike instead.' 
Either the man will clock into his work-mode of 'here is a problem to be solved, 
what must I do?' or he will not care less, in which case, why are you still married to 
him? 
Sometimes the partner really needs to be told that if they keep on doing or 
saying something the spouse will not feel loved or wanted, and may indeed cease to 
love or want them. Take a personal and embarrassing example suppose the husband 
deliberately and thoughtlessly breaks wind in bed? She may be excruciatingly 
embarrassed, unable to speak to him about what she interprets as a fearful insult, and 
bitterly resent and hate it. If she does not tell him, there will come a day when this 
action, which the man perhaps sees as a normal and natural need, really makes her 
despise his lack of thought for her-and the marriage is thenceforth doomed. It might 
seem a small, trivial matter to the husband, but then 'women are from Venus, men are 
from Mars.' 
When women talk, good listening skills are the key to the husband's success. In 
a non-extended family, the wife is dependent upon the husband for emotional support. 
She does not usually want to make decisions on her own, but wants her husband to 
agree with her, to back her up. This does not necessarily mean that she wants him to 
tell her what to do, but just that she needs to feel close to him and to share with him-
something that usually does not bother a man at work too much. 
A good husband grants her enough time, and does listen. A really good husband 
has worked out that she rarely comes right out with it and says what she wants or what 
is bothering her-she drops hints. And the irritating thing for the husband is that she 
expects him to work all this out for himself. That, for her, is a major proof that he 
has noticed her and taken consideration of her needs, that he loves her. When the 
husband cannot or will not do this, she nearly always assumes that he does not love 
her. To her, most things she wants seem such little things to ask why can't he even 
give her that? 
Women generally listen hard and pick up all sorts of signals and body language, 
to see behind the words to what people feel, and what they are thinking. They 
frequently know intuitively what people want, or need. This is a skill that many men 
do not emphasize or develop. However, on the down-side, women can become over-
come with emotions over small matters, and draw sweeping, dramatic conclusions out 
of a shrug or a sigh, something which is exasperating and baffling to a husband. 
Husbands could perhaps remember that it is highly likely that throughout her 
childhood his wife had a close friend, someone to whom she talked about everything, 
especially feelings, likes and dislikes, loves and tragedies. They may have `lived' 
together through the turmoils and passions of heroines in books and magazines. They 
shared and empathised about everything, including the most intimate emotions. 
When childhood is left behind and the girl marries, she very frequently expects the 
husband to become her new "best friend,' and take on the role of 'confidant' where 
her old girl-friends left off. When the man proves unable to do this, she is often (perhaps 
unconsciously) disappointed, and feels left out and lonely. 
The Muslim Marriage Guide: Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood

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