Microsoft Word Marriage Guide doc

Source: 
www.al-islamforall@org
 
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each other for a few moments. Husbands need to be aware that a perfunctory peck on the 
cheek does not count in the wife's eyes as 'paying attention,' and may not satisfy a strong need 
she has for emotional reconnection. 
Women are from Venus, the saying goes, and men are from Mars. When men listen, 
they usually do it swiftly, absorbing the information, working out what to do about it, 
assessing its importance. At work, many men prefer to work out solutions on their own, and 
discuss them only with those whose advice they really need. Some like to get away from the 
problem for a while, and return to it later. When they get home, they often appreciate 
solitude-and this is where many wives fail to show understanding and appreciation. 
Some wives handle a man's need for peace and solitude badly. They intuitively sense 
the tension, and react by trying to get him to tell them what it is all about. The husband may 
find the thought of his wife knowing about it intrusive and humiliating, and may not wish to 
talk to her about it, but to keep her and his 'home haven' out of it. It would take far too long 
to explain all the ins and outs to her anyway, and he doesn't want to waste his evening. He 
doesn't want an hour of his wife mulling it over for him, he wants some peace. Yet, the more 
he backs off (either to get peace, or to think his problems through alone), there she is trotting 
behind him in hot pursuit, still pressing to know what's wrong and wanting him to talk about 
it. 
When he manages to shut her up, or to escape, the wife feels hurt, unloved, and left 
out, partly because he has not paid any attention to her problems or appearance, or the food 
that she has got ready, and partly because he has not shared his worry with her. He has 
excluded her, as her friends would not have done. This must mean that he does not love her! 
And the poor man, once he has had enough of chewing over the problem, turns back to 
the loving wife he had set on one side for the moment only to find her seething with 
resentment and full of hurt and anger. `Men are from Mars; women are from Venus.' 
Communication is vital. The man has to tell his wife that he needs some peace to 
think things through, and that of course he does love her, he just doesn't want to burden her 
with something from work. When she still cries words that mean 'But why? Aren't I your best 
friend?,' then the best deflection of wrath is the kiss and the undivided attention he can give 
to her feelings. It doesn't have to be for long, just long enough for her to note it and 
acknowledge it. 
A lot of husband-wife bickering happens not because they disagree, but simply 
because the man feels criticised and humiliated and that his wife disapproves of his point of 
view, while the wife disapproves merely of the way he is talking to her. 
Let's just think about some good listening skills another thing managers frequently 
learn on courses! Active listening is a way of making sure that both speaker and listener 
really understand each other. You have to pay careful attention, and pick out the important 
message (which may be underlying and not on the surface). Try to work out what feelings 
are involved, and acknowledge them. Try not to judge, criticise or dispute until you are sure 
of what the speaker really intended to put across. Let the speaker confirm that, and if you 
got it wrong, let them explain again. If what you are hearing is criticism, then don't boil 
over-there may be truth in that criticism, but it was simply unloaded on you in a way that 
was painful. Instead of just throwing the pain back on your critic, try to defuse the situation 
by acknowledging that you understand whatever upset feelings you may be held responsible 
for, and try to work out how you could improve the situation. 
If you really feel that you are justified in a complaint, try to work out how you can 
best deal with it without starting a war. You may feel that your partner was being 
inconsiderate, thoughtless, unwise, arrogant, chauvinistic, etc., but probably he or she did 
not mean to be. State your feelings without making sweeping accusations, and try to phrase 
your comments as talk about yourself and not attacks on your spouse. Remember that 'the 
ego is always enjoining evil' (12:53). 
'When you did that, I felt...' This does not accuse your partner, but simply states how 
you felt. He or she cannot argue with that. They might be very surprised, since they 
probably never intended to upset you at all. If you simply charge in with 'You always' or 'You 
The Muslim Marriage Guide: Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood

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